The UK’s knowledge economy soiled itself this morning, after the FTSE index of 100 leading shares opened down over 400 points, heralding the end of free cash for useless people. Across the country, PR agencies, think tanks, web designers, events organisers and anyone whose job title ends with ‘analyst’ or ‘consultant’ simultaneously realised they no longer have any marketable skills and wondered where they would be able to buy 600 goats before the currency collapsed.
“I used to know how to make a little box by folding a sheet of A4, but I’ve forgotten,” commented Alex Farquhar, a systems capacity analyst from Watford. “My best shot is making pictures out of curly pasta and card, but the material costs are so high that I’d probably have to supplement that by letting a drug company inject experimental medicine into my face.”
Estate agent Barry Logan, however, is among a growing group in his industry who believe the accelerating economic decline could play to their advantage.
“We’ve basically had nothing to do for the past year, giving us a head start,” explained Logan. “Although I spent the first six months touching myself and playing Super Monkeyball on my iPhone, I’ve recently got quite good at making little collapsible footstools. I also got my hands on a job lot of garden hose and special weighted trousers. Reckon there could be a pretty big market for that sort of thing soon.”
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