Scientists in Geneva have published the results of a decade-long study into the precise nature of the elusive ‘common sense’ particle. It has long been felt that, if properly understood, the particle could be used to make everybody see eye-to-eye on absolutely any question, however controversial.Dr Stefan Bepasto, lead researcher at the CERN Social Physics Unit, said: “We had imagined the common sense particle was shaped a little like a sausage, but it’s actually more of a slightly convex ellipsoid – a Pringle or fashionable soup spoon, if you like.
“At its heart is a very dense clump of arrogance, which we already knew about, but which was making it difficult to see the smaller structures. We now know this emits highly energised waves of smugness, which cause it to vibrate in a particularly self-satisfied way. The core is then wrapped in a field of very fast-moving particles of belligerence and negatively charged intolerance, usually in roughly equal quantities.”
Although Dr Bepasto and his colleagues caution that we are still many years from a practical application for the particle itself, he is excited about some promising side-developments.
“Because of these findings, we now also know the BBC’s ‘Have Your Say’ website is, at most, six months away from forming a quantum singularity,” he said. “At this point, it can be harnessed to provide clean, sustainable power for as long as there are fucking idiots left in the UK.”
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