UK urged to "play to its strengths" as pound is shelved

Sterling imploded this morning, after Chancellor Alistair Darling temporarily forgot what century it was and threw “the full weight of her Majesty’s Pound” behind the UK’s astronomically indebted banks. Instead, it was announced, the country’s economy will now be based on impotent, directionless rage.

Retailers immediately scrambled to adjust to the surprise change of currency. According to the big three supermarkets, a broad consensus has now been reached on pricing, with 500g of standard beef mince costing a resigned sigh and a comment about “broken Britain”. A whole line-caught Alaskan Salmon, on the other hand, will set shoppers back by anything from a tirade about city bonuses, to a lament on “complacent civil servants and their gold-plated pensions.”

The move has already caused controversy in some quarters, with several noted economists observing that everyone in the South East of England is now a multi-billionaire.

However, the Chancellor remains bullish, dismissing opposition accusations that the move was simply a knee-jerk reaction to the crisis.

“This was a necessary, strategic adjustment that had to be made for the long-term stability of our economy,” commented Darling. “Of course other options were considered. We examined the feasibility of everybody clubbing together to buy a Euro, but someone would have had to go to France to collect it and they may have needed to buy lunch. Plus Uganda wouldn’t lend us the fare for the Eurostar.

“Then we looked at switching to a bartering economy, but realised that would basically consist of millions trying to swap value-added media market intelligence for processed cheese.

“We in the UK have a proud history of making the most of what we’ve got – and we’ve got more ill-informed, temple-throbbing bile than any nation on Earth. Let’s use that.”

Bush staffers 'prank' incoming administration

Keeping a long-standing US tradition, outgoing President George Bush and his staff have reportedly “trashed” the west wing of the White house, leaving numerous light-hearted traps and practical jokes for President-elect Obama when he takes office this afternoon.

Long-time senior strategist for the Bush White House, Jeb Alsman commented: “When we arrived in 2000, there was mostly just a lot of Champagne bottles, donuts and used prophylactics lying around the place. We were still pulling brassieres out of the ventilation system in 2004. Without wishing to give too much away, I’d like to think we’ve been a bit more imaginative.”

Another source close to the Bush administration went further, hinting that President Obama might find a “hilarious” national debt of over £10.6 trillion in the closet of his official residence and that the US Army has been hidden “somewhere hot”.

Commented the source: “All I’m saying is that we massively over-ordered on Tip-Ex in 2001 and had easy access to the Bill of Rights. He might want to take a look at that pretty quickly, if you get my meaning.”

It has already been confirmed that, particularly during his second term, President Bush enjoyed using an alcove in the Oval Office as a lavatory, though this is not being considered a prank, as such.