Charlie “Lord” Bunsenby, the celebrated proprietor of many of Britain’s best-loved travelling curiosities, has announced the tragic death of his most popular performer, Bartholomew the Zebra-Legged Boy.
The news follows several weeks of intense public concern and compassion, which manifested itself in the form of large crowds, gathering to watch Bartholomew gasp and grimace on a specially constructed platform in Trafalgar Square.
Among those anxious to pay their final respects to Bartholomew was Elspeth Chrome, a mother of nine from Chipping Sodbury.
“He’s been so very brave, letting everybody share his final, agonising moments,” she said. “It must be so terribly hard for him – almost as hard as it is for us. So we have to keep watching. He can’t be brave if nobody’s watching.”
Vesuvius Bloom, another admirer, added: “I feel like this is the end of a very personal journey I’ve taken with Bartholomew. I was there at the beginning, cheering him on as he slipped around in his own filth, trying to stand on those hilarious legs of his. He stole our hearts.”
Mr Bunsenby also used the announcement to hit back at those who have accused him of exploiting a vulnerable young man.
“Bartholomew was a very canny fellow, who had the good sense to surround himself with experts like me, whose only desire was to protect his interests. He frequently acknowledged his own lack of discernable talent, education or breeding. Despite these lowly beginnings, he died in his own cage, with a good supply of straw – if anything, he exploited me, the wily fellow!”
Monday 23 March 2009
Monday 2 February 2009
Tories hail Cameron's celeb policy love-in
The Conservatives have announced a further raft of celebrity appointments to key policy positions, in a bid to reinforce the message that the Brown Government is “out-of-touch with hard-working British families”.
First up, Kerry Katona will lead a new healthy eating task force, with the aim of helping individuals live on under £5 a week, by reintroducing them to the simple pleasures of traditional British fare.
Squawked Katona: “Blimey! Thirty kilos of scampi-style breaded bites for £2! And look at this! Half a metric ton of mixed BBQ meat for under a tenner! Helps growing kids get plenty of vitamins Y, U and M!
“At least,” she added, “if mine are anything to go by!!!”
The key role of senior healthcare adviser goes to Derek Thompson, best known for his role as nurse Charlie Fairhead in Casualty.
“I love the NHS, but it clearly has a long way to go before it meets the expectations of the modern patient,” he commented. “As a matter of priority, we need to ban all office Christmas parties, helicopters and canning factories, because they always end up with someone holding their guts in with a wad of dirty napkins. I’ll also be working closely with our counterparts in America, to look at how we can increase the simmering sexual tension in UK operating theatres.”
Completing the line up, Vinnie Jones will lead a strategic review of defence spending, Joanna Lumley is to co-author a white paper on social justice with Martine McCutcheon and, finally, Jamie Oliver will head-up a ten-year study into why he’s such an insufferable, moon-faced prick.
First up, Kerry Katona will lead a new healthy eating task force, with the aim of helping individuals live on under £5 a week, by reintroducing them to the simple pleasures of traditional British fare.
Squawked Katona: “Blimey! Thirty kilos of scampi-style breaded bites for £2! And look at this! Half a metric ton of mixed BBQ meat for under a tenner! Helps growing kids get plenty of vitamins Y, U and M!
“At least,” she added, “if mine are anything to go by!!!”
The key role of senior healthcare adviser goes to Derek Thompson, best known for his role as nurse Charlie Fairhead in Casualty.
“I love the NHS, but it clearly has a long way to go before it meets the expectations of the modern patient,” he commented. “As a matter of priority, we need to ban all office Christmas parties, helicopters and canning factories, because they always end up with someone holding their guts in with a wad of dirty napkins. I’ll also be working closely with our counterparts in America, to look at how we can increase the simmering sexual tension in UK operating theatres.”
Completing the line up, Vinnie Jones will lead a strategic review of defence spending, Joanna Lumley is to co-author a white paper on social justice with Martine McCutcheon and, finally, Jamie Oliver will head-up a ten-year study into why he’s such an insufferable, moon-faced prick.
Tuesday 20 January 2009
UK urged to "play to its strengths" as pound is shelved
Sterling imploded this morning, after Chancellor Alistair Darling temporarily forgot what century it was and threw “the full weight of her Majesty’s Pound” behind the UK’s astronomically indebted banks. Instead, it was announced, the country’s economy will now be based on impotent, directionless rage.
Retailers immediately scrambled to adjust to the surprise change of currency. According to the big three supermarkets, a broad consensus has now been reached on pricing, with 500g of standard beef mince costing a resigned sigh and a comment about “broken Britain”. A whole line-caught Alaskan Salmon, on the other hand, will set shoppers back by anything from a tirade about city bonuses, to a lament on “complacent civil servants and their gold-plated pensions.”
The move has already caused controversy in some quarters, with several noted economists observing that everyone in the South East of England is now a multi-billionaire.
However, the Chancellor remains bullish, dismissing opposition accusations that the move was simply a knee-jerk reaction to the crisis.
“This was a necessary, strategic adjustment that had to be made for the long-term stability of our economy,” commented Darling. “Of course other options were considered. We examined the feasibility of everybody clubbing together to buy a Euro, but someone would have had to go to France to collect it and they may have needed to buy lunch. Plus Uganda wouldn’t lend us the fare for the Eurostar.
“Then we looked at switching to a bartering economy, but realised that would basically consist of millions trying to swap value-added media market intelligence for processed cheese.
“We in the UK have a proud history of making the most of what we’ve got – and we’ve got more ill-informed, temple-throbbing bile than any nation on Earth. Let’s use that.”
Retailers immediately scrambled to adjust to the surprise change of currency. According to the big three supermarkets, a broad consensus has now been reached on pricing, with 500g of standard beef mince costing a resigned sigh and a comment about “broken Britain”. A whole line-caught Alaskan Salmon, on the other hand, will set shoppers back by anything from a tirade about city bonuses, to a lament on “complacent civil servants and their gold-plated pensions.”
The move has already caused controversy in some quarters, with several noted economists observing that everyone in the South East of England is now a multi-billionaire.
However, the Chancellor remains bullish, dismissing opposition accusations that the move was simply a knee-jerk reaction to the crisis.
“This was a necessary, strategic adjustment that had to be made for the long-term stability of our economy,” commented Darling. “Of course other options were considered. We examined the feasibility of everybody clubbing together to buy a Euro, but someone would have had to go to France to collect it and they may have needed to buy lunch. Plus Uganda wouldn’t lend us the fare for the Eurostar.
“Then we looked at switching to a bartering economy, but realised that would basically consist of millions trying to swap value-added media market intelligence for processed cheese.
“We in the UK have a proud history of making the most of what we’ve got – and we’ve got more ill-informed, temple-throbbing bile than any nation on Earth. Let’s use that.”
Bush staffers 'prank' incoming administration
Keeping a long-standing US tradition, outgoing President George Bush and his staff have reportedly “trashed” the west wing of the White house, leaving numerous light-hearted traps and practical jokes for President-elect Obama when he takes office this afternoon.
Long-time senior strategist for the Bush White House, Jeb Alsman commented: “When we arrived in 2000, there was mostly just a lot of Champagne bottles, donuts and used prophylactics lying around the place. We were still pulling brassieres out of the ventilation system in 2004. Without wishing to give too much away, I’d like to think we’ve been a bit more imaginative.”
Another source close to the Bush administration went further, hinting that President Obama might find a “hilarious” national debt of over £10.6 trillion in the closet of his official residence and that the US Army has been hidden “somewhere hot”.
Commented the source: “All I’m saying is that we massively over-ordered on Tip-Ex in 2001 and had easy access to the Bill of Rights. He might want to take a look at that pretty quickly, if you get my meaning.”
It has already been confirmed that, particularly during his second term, President Bush enjoyed using an alcove in the Oval Office as a lavatory, though this is not being considered a prank, as such.
Long-time senior strategist for the Bush White House, Jeb Alsman commented: “When we arrived in 2000, there was mostly just a lot of Champagne bottles, donuts and used prophylactics lying around the place. We were still pulling brassieres out of the ventilation system in 2004. Without wishing to give too much away, I’d like to think we’ve been a bit more imaginative.”
Another source close to the Bush administration went further, hinting that President Obama might find a “hilarious” national debt of over £10.6 trillion in the closet of his official residence and that the US Army has been hidden “somewhere hot”.
Commented the source: “All I’m saying is that we massively over-ordered on Tip-Ex in 2001 and had easy access to the Bill of Rights. He might want to take a look at that pretty quickly, if you get my meaning.”
It has already been confirmed that, particularly during his second term, President Bush enjoyed using an alcove in the Oval Office as a lavatory, though this is not being considered a prank, as such.
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