Brand offered government role

Disgraced shock jock Russell Brand has this morning been offered a new role as the UK’s first Minister for Public Rage, after being sacked by the BBC only hours earlier. The new Ministry, whose offices are to be built in the beautiful and protected New Forest National Park, will be staffed entirely by slave children and drug fiends. Receiving an annual salary of £7.2 billion, Brand will be called upon during times of crisis, to leave unimaginative abuse on the answering machines of elderly celebrities.

Despite continuing chaos in the global economy, soaring unemployment in the UK, and humanitarian catastrophe in an African country the size of Western Europe, today’s headlines were once again dominated by the spat between Brand, a retired sitcom actor and a burlesque dancer.

Speaking from the steps of Number 10, Gordon Brown said: “It’s at times like these that Britain is at its best. Rallying together, to focus on what is important. These are certainly perilous days – our generation’s Dunkirk, if you will – but we have never been a nation to shy away from evil. And, though the struggle ahead may be long and arduous, it is important we are not distracted by other trifling matters. Just keep watching the hairy, shouty man - he’s got your licence fee.”

Brand has already accepted the role and is reportedly on standby. In the event that Congolese rebel forces take the key city of Goma, he will immediately call the answering machine of Peter Sallis, 87, who played Clegg in Last of the Summer Wine and leave a song about bumming his niece.

King urges imaginary approach to financial crisis

The Bank of England has estimated the credit losses suffered by global financial institutions could total a staggering £1.8 trillion in imaginary money, up sharply from its previous arbitrary guess. The banks, which spent the 90s lending huge amounts of cash they did not have, to borrowers who could not pay it back, are now in the grip of “the worst existential crisis since the great ‘meat balloon’ of the 1950s”, confirmed Bank of England chairman Mervyn King.

“The financial services sector has grown massively in the past 20 years, on the back of entirely imaginary money,” said King. “The more imaginary money it made, the happier its shareholders were and the more imaginary wealth filtered down into the general economy. Unfortunately, this encouraged a lot of people to look at how much imaginary money their bedsit was worth, get jobs which paid £50k a year to make imaginary things and then go out and spend that on real stuff, like rotating hub caps and smoothie makers from China.

“Fortunately though, many of the world’s most imaginative minds are hard at work imagining additional funds to plug this growing gap. The recent conjuration of £300 billion in the UK, for example, will allow the banks to begin lending again to those people who have lost their jobs.”

King concluded: “Fundamentally, the £1.8 trillion has not been lost – we’ve simply stopped believing in it. Therefore, we are today proposing a new global initiative to kick-start the system, under which everyone just closes their eyes and wishes really hard.

“Come on everyone… One… Two… Three!”

FROM THE ARCHIVE: Scandal deepens for “ungentlemanly” Osborne

The child peer Lord George of Osborne has received a freshly bloodied nose, following further revelations surrounding his associations with notorious Slavic gadabout Oleg Deripaska. After dismissing initial claims that he had accepted several trinkets and gewgaws during a ride in the wealthy gentleman’s carriage as “scurrilous piffle”, his Lordship has been forced into a humiliating volte-face by the surprise intervention of a once firm acquaintance.

“These hidden arteries of the state, through which true power flows, are a matter necessarily reserved to those who must shoulder the burden of government,” wrote financier Nathanial Rothschild in a letter to the London Times. “His noble lordship would do well to remember that slapping the sow from whose teat we all suckle, as if she were a common strumpet and he the parish beadle, behoofs no-one."

However, seasoned Court commentator Nicholas DeRobinson, believes this fresh humiliation to be the consequence of the “pup Osborne’s foolish goading of a higher beast”.

“Oh yes, my boy,” commented DeRobinson. “I sense the dread claw of Cardinal Mandelson behind this day’s business and no mistake.”

While refusing to confirm such speculation outright, Cardinal Mandelson, lately returned from business with the king of Belgium, commented: “Not for I the prostitute rapier, nor the coarse musk of the pistol. No, my vengeance shall be of an altogether rarer hue. Mwahahaha!”

Breakthough heralds new age of harmony

Scientists in Geneva have published the results of a decade-long study into the precise nature of the elusive ‘common sense’ particle. It has long been felt that, if properly understood, the particle could be used to make everybody see eye-to-eye on absolutely any question, however controversial.

Dr Stefan Bepasto, lead researcher at the CERN Social Physics Unit, said: “We had imagined the common sense particle was shaped a little like a sausage, but it’s actually more of a slightly convex ellipsoid – a Pringle or fashionable soup spoon, if you like.

“At its heart is a very dense clump of arrogance, which we already knew about, but which was making it difficult to see the smaller structures. We now know this emits highly energised waves of smugness, which cause it to vibrate in a particularly self-satisfied way. The core is then wrapped in a field of very fast-moving particles of belligerence and negatively charged intolerance, usually in roughly equal quantities.”

Although Dr Bepasto and his colleagues caution that we are still many years from a practical application for the particle itself, he is excited about some promising side-developments.

“Because of these findings, we now also know the BBC’s ‘Have Your Say’ website is, at most, six months away from forming a quantum singularity,” he said. “At this point, it can be harnessed to provide clean, sustainable power for as long as there are fucking idiots left in the UK.”

Government advises struggling services sector

The Department for Business, Trade and Regulatory Reform (BERR) has launched a pamphlet of helpful business advice, in response to widening concern over the financial prospects of the UK’s services industries.

The booklet begins: “Despite what you may have been told, the current uncertain commercial landscape does not represent a significant opportunity for you, nor does heightened competition among your client base make your service more valuable than ever.”

It then goes on to detail “specific and practical” steps for a number of business types, which may be struggling in an environment where many firms are reluctant to spend on non-essential services.

Management consultants should, for example, “take a strategic appraisal of their long-term commercial prospects, with a view to finding new synergies between their own corporate outlook and that of the Job Centre.”

It also advises against “confining creative individuals to arbitrary, task-based silos”, in favour of “exploring more flexible deployment of human capital – perhaps moving from purely knowledge-based roles to mopping up sick in a hospital.”

For PR professionals, the booklet extols an “exciting opportunity to re-align your businesses, to focus more on Playstation and very cheap wine,” while marketing strategists are prompted to, “re-assess your core brand values – you’ll probably find you no longer have any.”

A spokesperson for BERR commented on the launch: “There are times when you simply need to view each problem as a challenge – a chance to make your business stronger and more efficient. To be clear: this is not one of those times.”

Scout leaders hit back over "Woggle-gate"

Scouting leaders have defended a controversial update to the range of proficiency badges available to UK cubs and scouts, following criticism they are taking the movement away from its founding principles. Long-standing skills, including semaphore, rope-splicing and orienteering, have been dropped in favour of a new list, which aims to be “more in line with the goals and challenges of modern scouting.”

Luke Masters, a 15 year-old from 12th Barnstable, who has just completed his ‘dogging’ badge as part of a pilot project, feels the changes will help make the scouting movement more relevant.

“Oh yeah, I’m always under loads of pressure to do sex with many anonymous naked ladies... Mostly models... And it’s so difficult to say no without seeming rude,” he mumbled.

Geoffrey Blanchard, leader of the 12th Barnstable pack, added: “People will be surprised by the changes, but the boys were very honest with us about the challenges they face and we felt it was important to respond to that.”

Other new badges include ‘coping with fame in the adult movie industry’, ‘ending a blood feud with an Afghan drug lord’ and ‘surviving in the vacuum of space’.

Those aged 12-to-18 will also receive practical advice on the most effective forms of contraception.

“We cover everything from condoms to IUDs and implants,” said Blanchard. “But, frankly, we’ve found the safest technique is telling prospective sexual partners you're a scout.”

Investor rage that bank rescue did not include medals for bravey, hand relief

The Government has come under heavy fire, as disgruntled investors in HBOS and LloydsTSB learned that simply having lots of money does not constitute a guarantee of making lots more. Reacting angrily to the news that dividends may be frozen until at least 2012, the banks’ shareholder groups reportedly spent much of the morning screaming, rolling around on the floor and throwing away even their favourite toys.

“It’s not fair,” commented Gerald Cutmore, head of the Lloyds Shareholder Alliance, after he had calmed down and was ready to talk properly. “We received some lovely dividends while the bank was making all that money in securitised loans, so why not now? I mean, what’s the point of convincing the Government to fork over £15 billion in taxpayers' money to safeguard our investment if we’re not allowed to share in that success immediately? 2012 is ages.

“Don’t they know who we are? We’re the engine of the economy, for christ's sake."

Financial crisis "really, really horrible" declares press

The ongoing turmoil in world markets threatened to claim a new victim today, as the National Union of Sub-Editors confirmed it is in crisis talks with the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, over the shortage of hyperbole available for headlines. Despite reassurances over the past fortnight that the nation’s headlines were safe from the kind of linguistic inflation witnessed in the US and Japan, the union has revealed that, without a major injection of fresh invective, reserves will be exhausted within ten days.

“We obviously have a duty to make our headlines more dramatic as these big stories develop,” commented John McGregor, a senior sub-editor at The Scotsman. “But, with hindsight, I think we just started out too strong and didn’t plan for this kind of sustained misery. We simply haven't paced ourselves.”

McGregor’s front page headline in Saturday’s Scotsman – a large red, underlined “PANIC” – was seen by many in the industry as a turning point, as the Times followed suit with “JESUS FUCK!” and the Independent led with a crude drawing of the British Isles with a cock and balls.

Although the finer details of the rescue package have yet to be confirmed, sources close to the negotiations have said somewhere between five and ten new superlatives are to be made available to the media, with immediate effect. These are rumoured to include “Crambuster”, “Maxidoom”, “Burstingface”, “Jitterblast” and “Razor-legged”, though industry representatives are said to be pushing for fewer compound adjectives and more genuinely new and hard-hitting words.

Alison Myers, the Minister responsible for headlines and soft drinks, concluded: “We remain firm in our commitment that, however much longer this crisis plays out, no newspaper will be forced to scale back its rhetoric. If we reach a stage where words are simply inadequate, we still have some powerful images of the Prime Minister beating the hell out of Alistair Darling with a length of two-by-four.”

Service sector tries to remember GCSE woodworking

The UK’s knowledge economy soiled itself this morning, after the FTSE index of 100 leading shares opened down over 400 points, heralding the end of free cash for useless people. Across the country, PR agencies, think tanks, web designers, events organisers and anyone whose job title ends with ‘analyst’ or ‘consultant’ simultaneously realised they no longer have any marketable skills and wondered where they would be able to buy 600 goats before the currency collapsed.

“I used to know how to make a little box by folding a sheet of A4, but I’ve forgotten,” commented Alex Farquhar, a systems capacity analyst from Watford. “My best shot is making pictures out of curly pasta and card, but the material costs are so high that I’d probably have to supplement that by letting a drug company inject experimental medicine into my face.”

Estate agent Barry Logan, however, is among a growing group in his industry who believe the accelerating economic decline could play to their advantage.

“We’ve basically had nothing to do for the past year, giving us a head start,” explained Logan. “Although I spent the first six months touching myself and playing Super Monkeyball on my iPhone, I’ve recently got quite good at making little collapsible footstools. I also got my hands on a job lot of garden hose and special weighted trousers. Reckon there could be a pretty big market for that sort of thing soon.”

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Iceland plans really big car boot sale

Confidence in the global banking system was dealt a fresh blow today, when it was revealed that the six Icelandic banks seeking state debt guarantees own most of the UK. Despite having a population of just 218 and a currency based entirely on cod, the tiny Atlantic nation successfully borrowed sufficient capital to buy Birmingham, Cornwall, Fife and much of East Anglia during the late 1990s.

The Icelandic Government has moved quickly to calm fears that the more attractive parts of Britain will be sold to Spain, in an attempt to claw back some of the £27 trillion now owed to international financiers.

Icelandic Trade Secretary Bjork said: “Wheeeeeeeeeai! Thrill in the parade of One! Sparkle! In glorious phantoms and cream!”

Johnson declares himself Queen, sacks Government

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson has shocked political pundits by pronouncing himself “Queen of London” and sacking the Labour Government – a move described by Johnson himself as “constitutionally bold”. He then went on to establish an “Interim Protectorate”, which will handle the day-to-day running of the country “until the democratic process delivers a nice Conservative government.”

Both the European Union and the United Nations have condemned the move, while NATO has warned Mr Johnson to recall the battalion of Challenger tanks currently heading through the Channel Tunnel toward France.

Mr Johnson’s increasingly erratic behaviour has sharply divided the mainstream press. Today's Daily Express hailed a “revolution of common-sense, decency and old-fashioned values”, while The Guardian spontaneously vaporised itself in an a massive wave of righteous indignation, leaving only the crystalised husk of George Monbiot radiating white-hot rage.

Darling unveils new stability package

Chancellor Alistair Darling has announced a bold new package of financial stimuli, aimed at supporting areas of the economy suffering knock-on effects from the crisis in the banking sector. Arriving hot on the heals of massive bail-out proposals from the Irish and US governments, the new measures would see MPs touring branches of Ladbrokes in their constituencies, handing out £20 notes to unsuccessful punters.

Junior Treasury minister, Ivor Cutler commented: “Nobody would deny that some poor decisions have been made, whether in sub-prime lending or betting the gas money on Flugelhorn Solo in the 4.30 at Musselburgh. However, we have a responsibility to limit the impact of these errors and have announced today’s measures to ensure stability in the wider economy.”

In addition to touring bookmakers, the £25 billion package will also cover:

• The losses of anyone who bought Betamax, Minidiscs or an HD-DVD player.


• The mortgage of anyone who bought a buy-to-let property in the past decade.


• All childcare costs for individuals who couldn’t be bothered to dig out a condom that one time.

Mike Timpson, a retired town planner from Hull, commented on his £20 windfall: “That’s nice. I think I’ll put it on a horse.”

Research shocks furry bigots

Scientists from York University have, today, released the findings of a major study into the genetic origins of common house mice from across Europe. As well as establishing a link between the migratory history of humans and rodents, the findings will be used in a special series of programmes for BBC2, aimed at tackling casual racism among British mice.

Benji Mouse, a common house mouse from Richmond, who participated in the first programme in the series, commented: “I’ve always seen myself as purely Mus musculus domesticus, British as the Union Jack. But it turns out there’s some Mus famulus in there and even some Mus mattheyi on my old mum’s side. At least that explains my brother Gary. Tight bastard.”

Dr Emilio Escargot, who co-authored the paper for the Royal Society, explained: “We’re not suggesting British mice shouldn’t be proud of their own tradition and culture - more that they should embrace the diverse mix of international influences which went into shaping it. Particularly in these uncertain economic times, racism is a growing problem among mice, many of whom believe they are only living in a dirty bin because all the swish council flats are going to Mus booduga families.”