The ongoing turmoil in world markets threatened to claim a new victim today, as the National Union of Sub-Editors confirmed it is in crisis talks with the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, over the shortage of hyperbole available for headlines. Despite reassurances over the past fortnight that the nation’s headlines were safe from the kind of linguistic inflation witnessed in the US and Japan, the union has revealed that, without a major injection of fresh invective, reserves will be exhausted within ten days.
“We obviously have a duty to make our headlines more dramatic as these big stories develop,” commented John McGregor, a senior sub-editor at The Scotsman. “But, with hindsight, I think we just started out too strong and didn’t plan for this kind of sustained misery. We simply haven't paced ourselves.”
McGregor’s front page headline in Saturday’s Scotsman – a large red, underlined “PANIC” – was seen by many in the industry as a turning point, as the Times followed suit with “JESUS FUCK!” and the Independent led with a crude drawing of the British Isles with a cock and balls.
Although the finer details of the rescue package have yet to be confirmed, sources close to the negotiations have said somewhere between five and ten new superlatives are to be made available to the media, with immediate effect. These are rumoured to include “Crambuster”, “Maxidoom”, “Burstingface”, “Jitterblast” and “Razor-legged”, though industry representatives are said to be pushing for fewer compound adjectives and more genuinely new and hard-hitting words.
Alison Myers, the Minister responsible for headlines and soft drinks, concluded: “We remain firm in our commitment that, however much longer this crisis plays out, no newspaper will be forced to scale back its rhetoric. If we reach a stage where words are simply inadequate, we still have some powerful images of the Prime Minister beating the hell out of Alistair Darling with a length of two-by-four.”
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