Banks not sleeping with your wife

The UK’s high street banks fiercely denied sleeping with your wife this morning, despite being caught running from your bedroom, wearing your dressing gown and furtively wiping their chin. After initially refusing to comment on the incident, the banks later released a statement, claiming that instances of sleeping with your wife remain at 2007 levels.

“We understand that, under the circumstances, anecdotal evidence that we are having it away with your old lady – those sex tapes in her wardrobe, for example – might be taken to indicate some sort of trend. However, a detailed statistical analysis shows everything is absolutely fine and that you’re just being oversensitive for some reason.

This latest incident comes only a week after HBOS and Barclays were challenged over claims they could turn base metals into gold, which Barclay’s John Varley continues to insist he does “all the time – but not in front of anyone you know.”

Brand offered government role

Disgraced shock jock Russell Brand has this morning been offered a new role as the UK’s first Minister for Public Rage, after being sacked by the BBC only hours earlier. The new Ministry, whose offices are to be built in the beautiful and protected New Forest National Park, will be staffed entirely by slave children and drug fiends. Receiving an annual salary of £7.2 billion, Brand will be called upon during times of crisis, to leave unimaginative abuse on the answering machines of elderly celebrities.

Despite continuing chaos in the global economy, soaring unemployment in the UK, and humanitarian catastrophe in an African country the size of Western Europe, today’s headlines were once again dominated by the spat between Brand, a retired sitcom actor and a burlesque dancer.

Speaking from the steps of Number 10, Gordon Brown said: “It’s at times like these that Britain is at its best. Rallying together, to focus on what is important. These are certainly perilous days – our generation’s Dunkirk, if you will – but we have never been a nation to shy away from evil. And, though the struggle ahead may be long and arduous, it is important we are not distracted by other trifling matters. Just keep watching the hairy, shouty man - he’s got your licence fee.”

Brand has already accepted the role and is reportedly on standby. In the event that Congolese rebel forces take the key city of Goma, he will immediately call the answering machine of Peter Sallis, 87, who played Clegg in Last of the Summer Wine and leave a song about bumming his niece.

King urges imaginary approach to financial crisis

The Bank of England has estimated the credit losses suffered by global financial institutions could total a staggering £1.8 trillion in imaginary money, up sharply from its previous arbitrary guess. The banks, which spent the 90s lending huge amounts of cash they did not have, to borrowers who could not pay it back, are now in the grip of “the worst existential crisis since the great ‘meat balloon’ of the 1950s”, confirmed Bank of England chairman Mervyn King.

“The financial services sector has grown massively in the past 20 years, on the back of entirely imaginary money,” said King. “The more imaginary money it made, the happier its shareholders were and the more imaginary wealth filtered down into the general economy. Unfortunately, this encouraged a lot of people to look at how much imaginary money their bedsit was worth, get jobs which paid £50k a year to make imaginary things and then go out and spend that on real stuff, like rotating hub caps and smoothie makers from China.

“Fortunately though, many of the world’s most imaginative minds are hard at work imagining additional funds to plug this growing gap. The recent conjuration of £300 billion in the UK, for example, will allow the banks to begin lending again to those people who have lost their jobs.”

King concluded: “Fundamentally, the £1.8 trillion has not been lost – we’ve simply stopped believing in it. Therefore, we are today proposing a new global initiative to kick-start the system, under which everyone just closes their eyes and wishes really hard.

“Come on everyone… One… Two… Three!”

FROM THE ARCHIVE: Scandal deepens for “ungentlemanly” Osborne

The child peer Lord George of Osborne has received a freshly bloodied nose, following further revelations surrounding his associations with notorious Slavic gadabout Oleg Deripaska. After dismissing initial claims that he had accepted several trinkets and gewgaws during a ride in the wealthy gentleman’s carriage as “scurrilous piffle”, his Lordship has been forced into a humiliating volte-face by the surprise intervention of a once firm acquaintance.

“These hidden arteries of the state, through which true power flows, are a matter necessarily reserved to those who must shoulder the burden of government,” wrote financier Nathanial Rothschild in a letter to the London Times. “His noble lordship would do well to remember that slapping the sow from whose teat we all suckle, as if she were a common strumpet and he the parish beadle, behoofs no-one."

However, seasoned Court commentator Nicholas DeRobinson, believes this fresh humiliation to be the consequence of the “pup Osborne’s foolish goading of a higher beast”.

“Oh yes, my boy,” commented DeRobinson. “I sense the dread claw of Cardinal Mandelson behind this day’s business and no mistake.”

While refusing to confirm such speculation outright, Cardinal Mandelson, lately returned from business with the king of Belgium, commented: “Not for I the prostitute rapier, nor the coarse musk of the pistol. No, my vengeance shall be of an altogether rarer hue. Mwahahaha!”

Breakthough heralds new age of harmony

Scientists in Geneva have published the results of a decade-long study into the precise nature of the elusive ‘common sense’ particle. It has long been felt that, if properly understood, the particle could be used to make everybody see eye-to-eye on absolutely any question, however controversial.

Dr Stefan Bepasto, lead researcher at the CERN Social Physics Unit, said: “We had imagined the common sense particle was shaped a little like a sausage, but it’s actually more of a slightly convex ellipsoid – a Pringle or fashionable soup spoon, if you like.

“At its heart is a very dense clump of arrogance, which we already knew about, but which was making it difficult to see the smaller structures. We now know this emits highly energised waves of smugness, which cause it to vibrate in a particularly self-satisfied way. The core is then wrapped in a field of very fast-moving particles of belligerence and negatively charged intolerance, usually in roughly equal quantities.”

Although Dr Bepasto and his colleagues caution that we are still many years from a practical application for the particle itself, he is excited about some promising side-developments.

“Because of these findings, we now also know the BBC’s ‘Have Your Say’ website is, at most, six months away from forming a quantum singularity,” he said. “At this point, it can be harnessed to provide clean, sustainable power for as long as there are fucking idiots left in the UK.”

Government advises struggling services sector

The Department for Business, Trade and Regulatory Reform (BERR) has launched a pamphlet of helpful business advice, in response to widening concern over the financial prospects of the UK’s services industries.

The booklet begins: “Despite what you may have been told, the current uncertain commercial landscape does not represent a significant opportunity for you, nor does heightened competition among your client base make your service more valuable than ever.”

It then goes on to detail “specific and practical” steps for a number of business types, which may be struggling in an environment where many firms are reluctant to spend on non-essential services.

Management consultants should, for example, “take a strategic appraisal of their long-term commercial prospects, with a view to finding new synergies between their own corporate outlook and that of the Job Centre.”

It also advises against “confining creative individuals to arbitrary, task-based silos”, in favour of “exploring more flexible deployment of human capital – perhaps moving from purely knowledge-based roles to mopping up sick in a hospital.”

For PR professionals, the booklet extols an “exciting opportunity to re-align your businesses, to focus more on Playstation and very cheap wine,” while marketing strategists are prompted to, “re-assess your core brand values – you’ll probably find you no longer have any.”

A spokesperson for BERR commented on the launch: “There are times when you simply need to view each problem as a challenge – a chance to make your business stronger and more efficient. To be clear: this is not one of those times.”

Scout leaders hit back over "Woggle-gate"

Scouting leaders have defended a controversial update to the range of proficiency badges available to UK cubs and scouts, following criticism they are taking the movement away from its founding principles. Long-standing skills, including semaphore, rope-splicing and orienteering, have been dropped in favour of a new list, which aims to be “more in line with the goals and challenges of modern scouting.”

Luke Masters, a 15 year-old from 12th Barnstable, who has just completed his ‘dogging’ badge as part of a pilot project, feels the changes will help make the scouting movement more relevant.

“Oh yeah, I’m always under loads of pressure to do sex with many anonymous naked ladies... Mostly models... And it’s so difficult to say no without seeming rude,” he mumbled.

Geoffrey Blanchard, leader of the 12th Barnstable pack, added: “People will be surprised by the changes, but the boys were very honest with us about the challenges they face and we felt it was important to respond to that.”

Other new badges include ‘coping with fame in the adult movie industry’, ‘ending a blood feud with an Afghan drug lord’ and ‘surviving in the vacuum of space’.

Those aged 12-to-18 will also receive practical advice on the most effective forms of contraception.

“We cover everything from condoms to IUDs and implants,” said Blanchard. “But, frankly, we’ve found the safest technique is telling prospective sexual partners you're a scout.”

Investor rage that bank rescue did not include medals for bravey, hand relief

The Government has come under heavy fire, as disgruntled investors in HBOS and LloydsTSB learned that simply having lots of money does not constitute a guarantee of making lots more. Reacting angrily to the news that dividends may be frozen until at least 2012, the banks’ shareholder groups reportedly spent much of the morning screaming, rolling around on the floor and throwing away even their favourite toys.

“It’s not fair,” commented Gerald Cutmore, head of the Lloyds Shareholder Alliance, after he had calmed down and was ready to talk properly. “We received some lovely dividends while the bank was making all that money in securitised loans, so why not now? I mean, what’s the point of convincing the Government to fork over £15 billion in taxpayers' money to safeguard our investment if we’re not allowed to share in that success immediately? 2012 is ages.

“Don’t they know who we are? We’re the engine of the economy, for christ's sake."

Financial crisis "really, really horrible" declares press

The ongoing turmoil in world markets threatened to claim a new victim today, as the National Union of Sub-Editors confirmed it is in crisis talks with the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, over the shortage of hyperbole available for headlines. Despite reassurances over the past fortnight that the nation’s headlines were safe from the kind of linguistic inflation witnessed in the US and Japan, the union has revealed that, without a major injection of fresh invective, reserves will be exhausted within ten days.

“We obviously have a duty to make our headlines more dramatic as these big stories develop,” commented John McGregor, a senior sub-editor at The Scotsman. “But, with hindsight, I think we just started out too strong and didn’t plan for this kind of sustained misery. We simply haven't paced ourselves.”

McGregor’s front page headline in Saturday’s Scotsman – a large red, underlined “PANIC” – was seen by many in the industry as a turning point, as the Times followed suit with “JESUS FUCK!” and the Independent led with a crude drawing of the British Isles with a cock and balls.

Although the finer details of the rescue package have yet to be confirmed, sources close to the negotiations have said somewhere between five and ten new superlatives are to be made available to the media, with immediate effect. These are rumoured to include “Crambuster”, “Maxidoom”, “Burstingface”, “Jitterblast” and “Razor-legged”, though industry representatives are said to be pushing for fewer compound adjectives and more genuinely new and hard-hitting words.

Alison Myers, the Minister responsible for headlines and soft drinks, concluded: “We remain firm in our commitment that, however much longer this crisis plays out, no newspaper will be forced to scale back its rhetoric. If we reach a stage where words are simply inadequate, we still have some powerful images of the Prime Minister beating the hell out of Alistair Darling with a length of two-by-four.”

Service sector tries to remember GCSE woodworking

The UK’s knowledge economy soiled itself this morning, after the FTSE index of 100 leading shares opened down over 400 points, heralding the end of free cash for useless people. Across the country, PR agencies, think tanks, web designers, events organisers and anyone whose job title ends with ‘analyst’ or ‘consultant’ simultaneously realised they no longer have any marketable skills and wondered where they would be able to buy 600 goats before the currency collapsed.

“I used to know how to make a little box by folding a sheet of A4, but I’ve forgotten,” commented Alex Farquhar, a systems capacity analyst from Watford. “My best shot is making pictures out of curly pasta and card, but the material costs are so high that I’d probably have to supplement that by letting a drug company inject experimental medicine into my face.”

Estate agent Barry Logan, however, is among a growing group in his industry who believe the accelerating economic decline could play to their advantage.

“We’ve basically had nothing to do for the past year, giving us a head start,” explained Logan. “Although I spent the first six months touching myself and playing Super Monkeyball on my iPhone, I’ve recently got quite good at making little collapsible footstools. I also got my hands on a job lot of garden hose and special weighted trousers. Reckon there could be a pretty big market for that sort of thing soon.”

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Iceland plans really big car boot sale

Confidence in the global banking system was dealt a fresh blow today, when it was revealed that the six Icelandic banks seeking state debt guarantees own most of the UK. Despite having a population of just 218 and a currency based entirely on cod, the tiny Atlantic nation successfully borrowed sufficient capital to buy Birmingham, Cornwall, Fife and much of East Anglia during the late 1990s.

The Icelandic Government has moved quickly to calm fears that the more attractive parts of Britain will be sold to Spain, in an attempt to claw back some of the £27 trillion now owed to international financiers.

Icelandic Trade Secretary Bjork said: “Wheeeeeeeeeai! Thrill in the parade of One! Sparkle! In glorious phantoms and cream!”

Johnson declares himself Queen, sacks Government

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson has shocked political pundits by pronouncing himself “Queen of London” and sacking the Labour Government – a move described by Johnson himself as “constitutionally bold”. He then went on to establish an “Interim Protectorate”, which will handle the day-to-day running of the country “until the democratic process delivers a nice Conservative government.”

Both the European Union and the United Nations have condemned the move, while NATO has warned Mr Johnson to recall the battalion of Challenger tanks currently heading through the Channel Tunnel toward France.

Mr Johnson’s increasingly erratic behaviour has sharply divided the mainstream press. Today's Daily Express hailed a “revolution of common-sense, decency and old-fashioned values”, while The Guardian spontaneously vaporised itself in an a massive wave of righteous indignation, leaving only the crystalised husk of George Monbiot radiating white-hot rage.

Darling unveils new stability package

Chancellor Alistair Darling has announced a bold new package of financial stimuli, aimed at supporting areas of the economy suffering knock-on effects from the crisis in the banking sector. Arriving hot on the heals of massive bail-out proposals from the Irish and US governments, the new measures would see MPs touring branches of Ladbrokes in their constituencies, handing out £20 notes to unsuccessful punters.

Junior Treasury minister, Ivor Cutler commented: “Nobody would deny that some poor decisions have been made, whether in sub-prime lending or betting the gas money on Flugelhorn Solo in the 4.30 at Musselburgh. However, we have a responsibility to limit the impact of these errors and have announced today’s measures to ensure stability in the wider economy.”

In addition to touring bookmakers, the £25 billion package will also cover:

• The losses of anyone who bought Betamax, Minidiscs or an HD-DVD player.


• The mortgage of anyone who bought a buy-to-let property in the past decade.


• All childcare costs for individuals who couldn’t be bothered to dig out a condom that one time.

Mike Timpson, a retired town planner from Hull, commented on his £20 windfall: “That’s nice. I think I’ll put it on a horse.”

Research shocks furry bigots

Scientists from York University have, today, released the findings of a major study into the genetic origins of common house mice from across Europe. As well as establishing a link between the migratory history of humans and rodents, the findings will be used in a special series of programmes for BBC2, aimed at tackling casual racism among British mice.

Benji Mouse, a common house mouse from Richmond, who participated in the first programme in the series, commented: “I’ve always seen myself as purely Mus musculus domesticus, British as the Union Jack. But it turns out there’s some Mus famulus in there and even some Mus mattheyi on my old mum’s side. At least that explains my brother Gary. Tight bastard.”

Dr Emilio Escargot, who co-authored the paper for the Royal Society, explained: “We’re not suggesting British mice shouldn’t be proud of their own tradition and culture - more that they should embrace the diverse mix of international influences which went into shaping it. Particularly in these uncertain economic times, racism is a growing problem among mice, many of whom believe they are only living in a dirty bin because all the swish council flats are going to Mus booduga families.”

"Sports fans" cry foul over volleyball fracas

Millions of sports fans were left confused and a little guilty yesterday, after a tense beach volleyball match between Georgia and Russia ended with the four women exchanging verbal barbs over the ongoing conflict in their home countries.

“When beach volleyball players start arguing, that only means one thing to me,” commented Gary McNiven, a 27 year-old quantity surveyor from Fife. “Part of me expected them to start wrestling and spraying each other with energy drinks, but another part couldn’t stop thinking about the profound geo-political ramifications of resurgent Russian nationalism, and what it might mean for fledgling democracies in the Caucuses.

“It’s just a good job they didn’t have to be separated by a burly lifeguard.”

Class war "an irrelevance" claim very posh men

Senior Conservatives have reacted angrily to an apparent return to “class war” tactics in the increasingly bitter Crewe by-election, after Tamsin Dunwoody’s campaign team distributed a leaflet portraying Tory candidate Edward Timpson as a top hat-wearing, silver spoon-sucking toff.

Lord Arligton, shadow minister for catteries and children, said: “This kind of tactic is an irrelevance in modern British politics. The warmth with which the Great British Public has embraced the shadow cabinet is proof positive that the class war is over. The fact that we all went to Eton, enjoy punting and sometimes accidentally call Theresa May ‘Matron’ is of absolutely no interest to voters.

“We are listening to the people, and what they care about is policy, not whether grandpapa was a Lord Admiral. Our calls for extra tuck on Wednesdays and a moratorium on towel-flicking – pending studies on its long-term effects – have struck a real chord.”

Although Ms Dunwoody was unavailable for comment on the controversy, a senior Labour Party figure has hinted that Gordon Brown is on the offensive, proposing to “fuck it all” and “re-nationalise everything as fast as we can”.

The loneliest highway - re-thinking an American legend

With Seattle’s ACME Inflatable Art Gallery(TM) set to host a retrospective of botanical drawings by Wile E Coyote, Mel Stanford examines the troubled life behind the infamous public persona.

From 1949 to the mid-1990s, Wile E Coyote was the sole protagonist in an unpopular and apparently doomed campaign to rid the New Mexican Highway – a critical trade link between North and South America – of reckless and smug birdlife.

Though originally backed with grants from the federal government, Coyote’s high-profile lack of success led to a withdrawal of funding in 1955. From this point, the considerable expense of acquiring anvils, TNT, high speed tonic, invisible paint, various jet-propelled vehicles (pogo sticks, roller-skates and unicycles), wigs, artificial rocks, birdseed and dehydrated boulders was met entirely from his own pocket (and support from his life-long benefactor, the ACME corporation).

Having struggled for 40 years with chronic manic depression, Coyote’s few close friends insist his obsessive devotion to work was the only way he felt able to keep his personal demons in check. In a 2002 interview with Rolling Stone, long-time confidant Marvin ‘the Martian’ Rubens, confirmed: “At times, it was like he was running on thin air, only held up by his belief in the chase. If he slowed down, or took his eye off the ball – even for a second – he’d be in freefall.”

The turning point came in 1995, when Coyote’s long-suffering wife finally admitted a 20-year affair with celebrated outdoorsman Elmer Fudd (which, despite both being in the public eye, they had managed to keep vewy, vewy quiet) and left him with what little remained of their shared wealth.

Cut loose from the one stable influence in a life of cruel near-misses and frustrated ambition, Coyote fell into a spiral of drug abuse and increasingly bizarre pest-control techniques, which culminated in his tragic death aboard an invisible atomic steel carrot.

Initially a source of great amusement among those who had always scorned his quixotic struggle, Coyote’s death has, in time, led to a more sober reappraisal of his life and work. As well as the botanical drawings, his scholarly work on the structural safety of rocky overhangs has found new relevance in the battle against coastal erosion.

Perhaps most ironically, Coyote’s passing may also have secured the victory he so desperately sought in life. Having grown accustomed to the enormous piles of grain he habitually used as bait – in addition to tit-bits discarded by tourists attracted by his escapades – the roadrunner population lost the ability to gather its own food and is now listed as an endangered species.

Stop and Smell The Flowers opens at the ACME Inflatable Art Gallery(TM), Seattle, on Monday 16 June

BREAKING NEWS: Boris "not as funny since he won" complain Londoners

The credibility of London’s mayoral system suffered a major blow this afternoon, as Boris Johnson was pushed from office only a few days after winning the capital’s top job. Having tired of gritty, sweary everyman Ken Livingstone less than a week ago, Londoners have now given bumbling, foppish aristocrat Johnson his marching orders and appointed an hilarious, wine-swilling, accident-prone Frenchman, simply known as Monsieur Fromage.

However, despite having won a considerable majority, Fromage’s position is apparently already under threat, from a brightly-coloured piece of tinsel which has become caught in the branches of a tree in Hyde Park.

UN demands action over meme crisis

The United Nations issued an urgent plea today, following an emergency meeting of the Security Council, calling for action from all developed nations to alleviate the shortage of memes which has already devastated large portions of the internet.

“If you’d told me last August that people would still be making LOLcats in May 2008, I would have laughed. Out loud”, commented Richard McGoggin, lead researcher at web monitoring firm, InSite Analytics. “But I don’t think anyone could have predicted how quickly things would change.

“The references just became too insular and weird. This was fine in a strong market, where casual consumers are easily intrigued, but as the market has matured, there’s been a real sense of… well.. boredom. Boredom and anger.”

The shortage, which has its roots in the US but has spread quickly worldwide, has been most keenly felt in b3ta.com and boingboing.net, where all foreign bloggers have been ejected and pirate hats, ninja throwing stars and “cheezburgers” are reportedly being rationed.

Brock Louche, the UN special rapporteur on memes, said: “While we have seen similar challenges in the past, the current crisis has been exacerbated by the failure of several weak memes over the past six months.

“Using flow charts to explain things you wouldn’t normally use them to explain seemed like a good idea to start with, but then everyone got distracted by pie charts, which was really a dead end.

"A lot of people have turned to illustrating news stories using Lego men. No civilised society would call that a meme and it saddens me deeply to see it."

The UN statement follows strong criticism of the Western democracies, over their response to the crisis. To date, the UK and France have donated just 5,000 unicorns, of a promised 45,000, while the United States has not yet made any headway on its pledge to air-drop 150,000 banjo-playing polar bears.

“While hopelessly outdated, even these memes would make a real difference in the short term”, concluded Louche. “But we need to begin thinking about the longer term. Unless we can secure a reliable supply of new memes, literally millions will be forced to make jokes other people can understand. I, for one, don’t ever want to see that.”

RDR's woes deepen, as Rowling joined by more wronged celebs

Lawyers for the millionaire children’s author JK Rowling have confirmed that fellow novelist, Agatha Christie and the legendary Mongol warlord, Ghengis Khan have joined Rowling to bring a class action suit against RDR books, the American publisher behind “The Harry Potter Lexicon”.

“While investigating the extent of RDR’s infringement, we were shocked to discover that Ms Rowling is far from the only victim here,” read the statement. “The Getaway guide to Agatha Christie’s England and Dateline Mongolia are undisguised and clumsy attempts to capitalise on valuable brand recognition of legitimate rights holders.

“Through repeated references to my client’s swift and bloody conquest of 13th Century Asia, Dateline Mongolia is clearly hoping to imply some sort of association or endorsement. Its florid description of Mr Khan’s crushing of the of the Kara-Khitan Khanate – which, after all happened hundreds of years ago – adds absolutely nothing new and is, basically, theft.”

Khan’s participation in the suit appears to be part of a wider strategy to crack down on unauthorised use of his intellectual property. Just last month, the warlord’s lawyers successfully enforced a fiercely disputed patent, covering the practice of “drinking the blood of an enemy, devouring his cattle and / or, using his women.”

Meanwhile, press speculation that Christie would either join with Rowling, or bring her own action against RDR reached a climax during an interview published in yesterday’s Wall Street Journal, in which she described Christie’s England as a “fucking travesty” and its author as a “shit-wagon”.

SHOWBIZ NEWS: "Mars" star Glennister confirmed for new spin-off

Actor Phillip Glennister has confirmed he will return to the role of DCI Gene Hunt, the hard-bitten copper with a heart of gold, for a third incarnation of the BBC’s popular Life on Mars franchise. Due to be filmed later this year, for broadcast in Spring 2009, the new series will see Glennister paired with Barbara Windsor, playing a forensic pathologist who, a week before retirement, suffers a near-fatal accident with a pipette and is catapulted into the year 2038.

The BBC has been keen to keep the plot of the series secret, though sources close to the production team have suggested that about 90% of the locations used for filming would be “non period-specific former industrial land” with a soundtrack of “mostly German techno”.

Keeley Hawes, star of the show’s previous outing, Ashes to ashes, is said to make a brief appearance in the first episode, in which she saves Manchester by piloting an out-of-control spaceship into the sun.

OPINIO-TRON SAYS: Virgin Media not so innocent, demands coin for booty

After last week's idle speculation about the future of net neutrality in the UK, it's nice to see Virgin Media's incoming chief exec, Neil Berkett, advancing the debate with this little PR gem, in which he describes the concept of a level and fair internet as "a load of bollocks". The story originally comes from the Royal Television Society’s magazine, which I haven't seen, but if the quotes are accurate, this is pretty bad news.

Among the other choice morsels highlighted from the piece is a threat to bump any content producers who don't pay up into "bus lanes". Predictably iPlayer seems to be the main target of his ire.

So this will surely be the start of an almighty dust-up. Right?

Not necessarily. Assuming Mr Berkett can keep a lid on his corporate Tourette’s, this is going to be an easy sell for the ISPs...

Virgin Media and the BBC have announced a partnership project, to deliver a next generation media internet to UK homes by 2010. Using intelligent technology, to give greater internet bandwidth to popular multi-media services, the companies claim users will enjoy higher definition, more reliable content on demand.

Neil Berkett, Virgin Media's chief executive, said: "Exciting new web services, such as the BBC's groundbreaking iPlayer, currently have to compete for limited bandwidth with other, less speed-sensitive web traffic. By intelligently identifying and prioritising different kinds of traffic, web users will enjoy a more efficient, transparent service."

It really could be that simple. After all, we've shown time and time again that we'll always chose short term low cost and convenience over some woolly principle. Particularly when the principle in question has an icky name like "net neutrality".

Of course, the practical consequences of such a surrender would hit home pretty quickly. Superior but un-established new services, confined to Berkett's "bus lane", would be at an artificial competitive disadvantage. So, we'd simply stop getting those market-disrupting new players which have injected real innovation and competition into so many stale markets over the past decade. At the very least, new internet ventures would need to generate revenue almost from Day 1, which would be a pretty fundamental change (I believe for the worse).

As we're also seeing with Phorm, the ISPs are desperate to dig themselves out of the "higher speeds at lower prices" hole they've made for themselves, by using access to their own customer base as commercial leverage.

Let's hope we care enough about this to vote with our feet.

Update:24 hours later, The Register is carrying a story, quoting a Virgin Media flack as saying the company doesn't intend to penalise non-paying sites. However, "we recognise that as more customers turn to the web for content, different providers will have different needs and priorities and, in the long term, it's legitimate to question how this demand will be managed."

Just so we're clear then - giving the big boys a faster pipe is not the same as bumping the plebs into the "bus lane".

Phoof. Didn't see that coming.

BREAKING NEWS: Bank of England lowers interest rates to 5%

In a move which sent shockwaves through absolutely nowhere, the Bank of England's Monetary Policy Committee lowered UK interest rates by a quarter of a percentage point today. The announcement was met by immediate ambivalence in the money markets, with many of the UK's high street banks doing absolutely nothing.

Mervyn King, Governor of the Bank of England, defended the committee's largely symbolic monthly meetings as "a lovely old tradition" which "harks back to days gone by, when interest rates had the slightest impact on the cost of borrowing."

This latest rates drop is part of a scheduled series of themed events in the capital, which will culminate next week with Alistair Darling standing on top of the London Stock Exchange, pissing in the wind.

World sleeps easy as ownership of precious stripes finally settled

Local authorities across the UK have been ordered to pay millions of pounds in damages and backdated licensing costs, after losing a landmark case to the sports and fashion manufacturer Adidas. The ruling in the European Court of Justice ends several years of wrangling, over whether Adidas’ distinctive “three stripe” branding could be extended to cover designs using two stripes.

Frances Bruckenbauer, a partner at specialist intellectual property (IP) law firm Comely, Stern & Festoon, which represented the fashion giant, commented on the victory: “This was the only decision the court could have reached over such flagrant abuse of my client’s brand rights. For decades, the UK has been generating significant revenue from charging motorists for parking in premium roadside locations, identified by clearly derivative double-stripe branding.”

As well as being ordered to pay damages and license fees in the region of £300 million, councils now face an estimated £2.5 million bill for removing and replacing the infringing road marks.

Brian Clapton, a spokesperson for the Local Government Association, said he regretted the court’s decision, but welcomed the opportunity to review the UK’s policies on parking restriction.

“We have felt for some time that the current system is overly negative for today’s Britain”, he said. “Rather than stipulating those areas where motorists cannot park, we will begin marking approved parking spaces, with an easily recognisable rounded tick motif.”

The judgement could also set a precedent for other similar cases, currently in the pipeline, in which Adidas is seeking punitive damages against zebras, wasps and rainbows.

OPINIO-TRON SAYS: iPlayer points to two-tier UK internet

It looks like the debate over net neutrality, which has been raging in the US for some time, is set to waft politely into the UK. For the uninitiated, the central question in this fracas is whether ISPs should be allowed to charge content producers for a ‘fast lane’ in today’s increasingly crowded internet.

The ideological answer from internet purists is an emphatic “no”. Giving priority to traffic from specific sources would, it is argued, create a two-tier experience, in which ordinary users are driven into the clutches of Big Media, at the expense of new players. This doesn’t sit well with the idea of the open, indiscriminate internet we have grown to love.

Perhaps inevitably though, such egalitarianism has stubbed its toe on the footstool of commercial practicality.

In the UK, this has taken the form of the BBC’s hugely popular iPlayer TV streaming service, which saw 1 million people downloading 3.5 million programmes in its first month. iPlayer has put a massive and sudden strain on the UK’s already decrepit broadband infrastructure, which industry regulator OFCOM predicts will cost in the region of £830 million to upgrade.

But competition is squeezing the ISPs’ profit margins and there is a growing resentment that they should have to carry the significant cost of transmitting content from a state-funded producer. Also, as consumers, we’ve grown used to broadband which offers ever higher speeds at ever decreasing cost.

All of which presents us with something of a pickle: the ISPs won’t (and arguably can’t) pay for iPlayer’s bandwidth requirements, while consumers are unlikely to tolerate a reverse in falling broadband costs.

That really only leaves one option: the Beeb. But why should the BBC – and, by extension, payers of the mandatory TV license fee – pay for bandwidth which could also be used by 4OD, YouTube, Joost and the organisation’s other potential competitors?

Senior figures at BT are already talking publicly about the creation of a Content Delivery Network (CDN) in the UK, under which large pieces of high-demand content would be stored in (and distributed from) regional “nodes”, thereby limiting the strain on the country’s broadband backbone. Charging the BBC for space on a CDN seems like the obvious solution to their mutual problem: all the reserved bandwidth iPlayer demands, plus a much-needed new revenue stream for BT.

Which brings us back to net neutrality.

Our hunger for bandwidth is only going to get greater as more content moves online and into high definition. While the economics of content production may currently allow us to download TV for little or no cost, this is arguably being subsidised by spiralling overheads for the ISPs, which have become a de-facto distributor. It is hard to see how this can continue, but equally hard to envisage a solution in which the content producers don’t end up paying for preferential treatment.

UK net sex pests face terrifying trust-based monitoring

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has today announced a new scheme to register the email addresses and online identities of all UK sex offenders. These lists will be checked against the records of social networking sites and other potential targets, to safeguard children and other legitimate internet users.

Failure to provide accurate addresses, or withholding other online details, could result in a lengthy prison sentence.

"Sex offenders are, by their very nature, terrified of breaking the law", gloated Smith. "They are also infamously rubbish at making up false identities for themselves, particularly in the secure, verifiable environment of the internet. This law is flawless."

Terrance Guppie is a reformed sex offender, who now works in prisons to help rehabilitate recent convicts.

"This new law will really make people think twice", agreed Guppie. "Imagine I spent a couple of minutes getting a completely anonymous email address, which I used to join a social networking site, before befriending, grooming and horribly defiling a teenage girl. If she then ratted me out to the police, I'd be in so much trouble over that unregistered email."

In other news, one of the busiest commuter lines from the capital was brought a halt this afternoon, when satire threw itself under the 17:45 at Cricklewood.

Business "just too good" complain banks

First Direct has become the latest high street bank to withdraw its range of mortgage products from the market, citing the "huge popularity of and enthusiasm for crippling debt".

The bank has moved quickly to reassure its existing customers that its popularity - rather than the bankrupt global system of inter-bank lending - is the reason for today's move.

"The real problem is that we simply can't give out money quickly enough", First Direct's chief executive, Chris Pilling told the BBC this morning. "So we've decided to stop lending entirely until we can widen the doors in our branches. Before someone gets hurt."

As the 'real economy' impact of the credit crunch bites deeper, First Direct is the latest in a string of UK banks and building societies to be overwhelmed by a groundswell of consumer optimism.

"I believe that running to keep up with customer demand is an enviable position for any business to be in", concluded Pilling. "Now, do you know if the newsagent round the corner opens late? I need some change for the bus."

Darling advocates economic benefits of unending, joyless toil

Alasdair Darling has announced sweeping changes to the UK's taxation system, in his first budget as Chancellor, which will see punative charges levvied against all forms of fun. Having previously hinted that the duty on nicotine and alcohol would be raised at above-inflationary rates, there were gasps from the back benches as the Chancellor explained how this would be extended to activities including going to the park, wearing brightly-coloured hats and tickling babies by 2010.

"Uncertainty in the global financial markets, combined with slower consumer spending in the latter half of 2007/2008, means we're all just going to have to stop dicking around and focus for a bit", said darling. "Do you really think the Chinese are having fun? Of course they're not."

Perhaps the most controversial measure is the imposition of a £20 charge for those wishing to indulge in sexual intercourse. It is still unclear whether the charge will be levvied on a per-emmission basis or simply per-session. There will, however, be an exemption for those who can produce written confirmation, signed by the other party, that the encounter was "guilty, furtive and hateful".

The move received guarded approval from Shadow Chancellor George Osborne, who nonetheless drew paralells between the "fun tax" and the Tories' own plans to give cohabiting couples a financial incentive to marry.

"Get your filthy science away from our Jesus", bellow furious villagers

Christian leaders are up in arms at the news that a well-known group of committed evolutionary scientists had established its own religion, dubbed Rightism. The group, led by Reverend Professor Ralf Finkheimer, reacted strongly to the criticism, denying claims that the Rightists was simply trying to bring the scientific process into church by the back door.

“The church needs to accept that there is room for many different faiths in the world”, said Finkheimer in a statement. “Our children should be presented with all of the alternatives and allowed to decide for themselves.

“The bible presents us with one story to explain the history of the universe, certainly, and that’s a matter of faith. But Billy, the Magic Quantum Singularity, provides us with another, equally compelling and valid explanation.”

Although many of the group’s detractors have observed that its belief system owes a great deal to well-established scientific theories, including the Big Bang and evolutionary biology, Finkheimer remains adamant that Rightism is a legitimate religion.

“Our beliefs have absolutely no evidential basis whatsoever”, he confirmed. “If we were dealing in science, this could all be tested and disproved, but we’re not, so they’re just going to have to live with it.”

Celebrity Rightists include Lindsay Lohan, Nicholas Cage and Giant Haystacks.

Surely Shum Mishtake

The Guardian has a secret crush on Fake Steve Jobs, the way you do an old school or university friend - not something to shout about, but who's to suspect your interest if you casually mention them in conversation?  It seems The Observer, their sister paper of a Sunday, hasn't been invited to the love-in.  50 powerful blogs they list and no mistake.

Blog Power = Voltage X Current (the acerbic quotient of the author X the relevance of their subject matter)

Blog Power (also) = Work / Time (the power to waste your time reading the same thing on ten feeds / the amount of work you should be doing)

50 blogs, but no Fake Steve - how d'you like them apples?  This must be what happens when half the staff go to Austin for SXSW while the rest stay up to cover the cricket from New Zealand.  A rear-guard action from the regular team (who have to churn out six papers in a week, not just the one) could restore the imbalance, but they've cunningly left it to the readers to fill in the blanks and thus preserve office relations.

Fake Steve invented the iPod, and yes we have heard of it... but he's not worth arguing with your colleagues over, eh.

Ageing gamers given a bleak vision of the future

Computer gamers in their late twenties and early thirties were given a stark warning recently, when they were soundly thrashed by their 10 year-old nieces on Wii Sports. The resulting awareness of their own mortality was particularly acute for those who initially declined to play on the grounds that they are “quite competitive in games and it wouldn’t be fair”.

Eye-witnesses reported a complete inability to simultaneously move with the nunchuck while aiming with the remote, accompanied by growing frustration at being told that: “it’s easy when you get the knack of it”.

Barry Davidson, who recently completed Silent Hill 3 in just over three hours, said: “It was really interesting to experience a totally new control paradigm. For someone like me, who is used to interfacing with games in quite an abstract way, the level of direct control offered by the Wii represents a very significant learning curve.

“At the end of the day though, I just can’t fucking believe I got owned by my niece. I’m basically as good as dead.”

10 year-old Emily Davidson added: “Look uncle Barry! I beat you again! I won!”

Research shows Mac users really are laughing at you

Actual proper scientific research has revealed Mac users are 82 per cent more likely to be “smug, rich and style-obsessed” than users of Windows PCs. The shock findings also confirmed that those who buy Apple products do so simply to annoy everyone else, rather than for their own benefit.

Prof Marcus Dunwoody, a real scientist with his own lab-coat and busen burner, explained: “We found that Mac owners were prepared to pay more for computers which don’t crash, are effectively immune from viruses and boast iconic industrial design. Furthermore, they often brazenly present Mac-ownership as a solution to those suffering from the shoddy security, poor performance and usability problems associated with marginally cheaper Windows PCs.”

But the tables are set to turn on the “hairstyled, pesto-eating Macistas”, according to Dunwoody.

“Just because the Mac platform has not had a single notable virus problem in 25 years should not be an excuse for complacency”, he cautioned. “It beggars belief that Mac users aren’t loading their systems up to the eyeballs with bloated anti-virus and anti-spyware applications, to guard against this hypothetical threat. With so many fashion-conscious designer gays inflating the Mac’s market share, it’s surely only a matter of time before the platform comes onto the radar of cyber criminals.

“We’ll see who’s laughing then. Bastards”, he concluded.

Ballmer slammed over “Vista Acquainted” debacle

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has been under sustained fire this week, following his acknowledgement that new PCs marketed as “Vista Acquainted” may not have met the expectations of some customers. However, he went on to defend the Redmond giant’s decision to certify such low-spec machines as “a question of choice”.

“We want to ensure as many homes and offices as possible have the opportunity to experience the ‘Wow’ of Windows Vista”, said Ballmer. “So, for Vista Acquainted PCs, running less than 3Gb of memory, there is a new streamlined ‘performance’ mode, which includes an intuitive textual interface and contemporary two-colour design. Vista’s ‘performance’ environment is also highly customisable, through the config.sys and autoexec.bat files and will boot on almost any machine in a matter of minutes. Wow!”

However, Alice Hooper of technology analysts Garter is less than convinced by Microsoft’s defence: “As well as being more than somewhat reminiscent of Leopard’s iText feature, Vista ‘performance’ mode smacks of a poorly-executed, marketing-led afterthought. It’s also far from intuitive. I mean, ‘Retry’ I understand, but what’s the difference between ‘Abort’ and ‘Fail’?”