Humbug

And while we’re on the subject of films, isn’t Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs a little out of whack, chronologically? While a kids’ film in which humans and dinosaurs live side-by-side (instead of being separated by, oooooh, about 65 million years) is pretty much a creationist’s wet dream, we’re surely storing up some serious headaches for the biology teachers of the future.

Maybe they’ll all fall off the edge of the Earth at the end?

Bridget Jones and the baster of spunk

How exceptionally tasteless: with unemployment reaching the highest levels since records began, a recession in full swing and body bags coming back from Afghanistan, Working Title has decided to make another Bridget Jones film. The story will follow Bridget’s quest for a baby and is rumoured to feature the full range of both Renee Zellweger’s facial expressions.

For the love of Christ, haven’t we suffered enough that we now have to watch her try to breed?

What a barrel of monkeys

It's been a while, but, as I'd mentioned, a baby happened a couple of months ago, so I've been unable to work up a proper head of steam (due to a combination of unaccountable optimism, extreme fatigue and guilt about wasting my free time blogging. The novelty has now worn off).

What have I missed? Fuck-loads, apparently.

• The US and Russia decided to get rid of about half their nuclear warheads, having found new and exciting ways to hasten the inevitable apocalypse. But what are they doing with them now? Keep an eye on eBay.
  
• The UK got Pork Fever! I've read animal farm. I know how this ends.
• Half of El-Gordo's cabinet left, after it became clear they were getting thrashed by a party whose one concrete policy is to slash public spending without cutting taxes. I'm going to set up a party headed by angel-faced Aled Jones, which pledges only to piss on war heroes and steal their medals. I bet I win.
  
• Enough people voted BNP to make it worth setting aside a special island for them (not one of the nice ones though. What's that shit one off the Welsh coast? Anybody?)
• There was an election in Iran. Was it rigged? Twitter thinks so, and that's pretty much good enough.
• Camilla Parker-Bowles got dressed up in cammo and learned how to disarm landmines for charity. Did nobody else think that was a little odd?
• Stephen Fry was declared Lord High Priest of Thoughts, transcended his corporeal form and became entirely made of Internet.
• The whole MPs' expenses / second homes thing happened. Honestly - I'm quite glad I wasn't around for that. The pressure would have killed me. I'll just allude to it gently, from a safe distance.
  
• Michael Jackson was not CGI. Who knew?

Phew.

One way traffic

Zowee. More G20 fallout: Just saw a spokesperson for the Police Federation refusing to agree that police officers covering their IDs was unacceptable. Combined with the “don’t let a few bad apples colour your perception of the entire force” rhetoric which has been trotted out over the past few days, you end up with an argument under which the police are neither individually nor collectively accountable when things go wrong.

I have nothing funny to say about the idea that the police should be allowed to operate anonymously. Particularly in situations where their role is to ensure the public can exercise its democratic rights in safety.

A new kind of responsibility

This is nice. Gordon Brown has finally apologised for the Damian McBride email slur thing, at an interview in Glasgow (presumably on the basis that anything said north of Newcastle immediately has 32.7% less impact, as proven by scientists). He also took “full responsibility”, thus:

…‘Asked if he took responsibility, Brown said: "I take full responsibility for what happens and that's why the person who was responsible went immediately."…

For a chunky lad, Gordon seems to have performed a positively balletic bit of doublethink here; ‘taking responsibility’ while simultaneously finding someone else responsible.

As politicians and government in general have grudgingly opened themselves up to ever greater scrutiny, we’ve gradually accepted the idea that proper ministerial responsibility isn’t really practical. If a Home Secretary resigned every time a junior civil servant lost a CD with all our banking details on it, Noel Edmonds would probably be Home Secretary by now, and that’s no way to run a country.

Which is all well and good, but “I didn’t know what my staff was up to” doesn’t really sound very statesmanlike, does it?

So, ministerial responsibility is back! But, unlike version 1.0, it no longer means “it happened under my watch, so it’s ultimately my fault”. No – welcome to a tough, macho new version of ministerial responsibility, under which ministers 'take responsibility' for cleaning up corruption and incompetence wherever it raises its head (after the event and neatly sidestepping the fact that they were, nominally, in charge).

Imagine the kind of 'taking responsibility' Dirty Harry might indulge in – that’s more where we are now. Gordon’s taking on the establishment, taking matters into his own hands and giving them a damn good shake.

See what we did there? Easy, wasn't it? Expect to see people “taking responsibility” all over Westminster very soon.

A big hello to all my new readers...

My joy at welcoming you is almost as great as my dismay that the words "Asspocalypse IV" have generated substantially more search hits than anything else I've written here.

Also, my Blogger dashboard has a new tab called 'monetise'.

It must be fate.

Never say you're sorry, except for "Asspocalypse IV"

Jacqui Smith. Always good value.

We seem to get one Government Minister or another on the Today Programme every morning at the moment, pointing out that they didn’t break The Rules* by spending public money on second (or third) homes.

But dear Jacqui is the only one who has to append “I did absolutely nothing wrong” with “apart from the porn, which I’ve apologised for”.

Before we leap to judgement though, we should remember that MPs do have a very stressful job**, shoulder the full responsibility (if they're ministers) for mistakes made in their departments*** and, thanks to the rigours of democracy, have relatively little job security****. So go easy on them, eh?

* As written by the very people who stand to benefit and, apparently, stating that MPs can have as many houses in central London as they and their extended families might need.

** Parliament sat for around 160 days last year. Attendance is generally far from compulsory.

*** Although, since the late 80s, not to the extent of actually resigning or, indeed, apologising.

**** As opposed to the rest of us, who move seamlessly from being fired to massively well-paid consultancy positions with shadowy international organisations, willing to pay through the nose for our connections and the veneer of respectability.