Monday 23 March 2009

FROM THE ARCHIVES: One more zebra-legged angel in heaven tonight

Charlie “Lord” Bunsenby, the celebrated proprietor of many of Britain’s best-loved travelling curiosities, has announced the tragic death of his most popular performer, Bartholomew the Zebra-Legged Boy.

The news follows several weeks of intense public concern and compassion, which manifested itself in the form of large crowds, gathering to watch Bartholomew gasp and grimace on a specially constructed platform in Trafalgar Square.

Among those anxious to pay their final respects to Bartholomew was Elspeth Chrome, a mother of nine from Chipping Sodbury.

“He’s been so very brave, letting everybody share his final, agonising moments,” she said. “It must be so terribly hard for him – almost as hard as it is for us. So we have to keep watching. He can’t be brave if nobody’s watching.”

Vesuvius Bloom, another admirer, added: “I feel like this is the end of a very personal journey I’ve taken with Bartholomew. I was there at the beginning, cheering him on as he slipped around in his own filth, trying to stand on those hilarious legs of his. He stole our hearts.”

Mr Bunsenby also used the announcement to hit back at those who have accused him of exploiting a vulnerable young man.

“Bartholomew was a very canny fellow, who had the good sense to surround himself with experts like me, whose only desire was to protect his interests. He frequently acknowledged his own lack of discernable talent, education or breeding. Despite these lowly beginnings, he died in his own cage, with a good supply of straw – if anything, he exploited me, the wily fellow!”