Darling unveils new stability package

Chancellor Alistair Darling has announced a bold new package of financial stimuli, aimed at supporting areas of the economy suffering knock-on effects from the crisis in the banking sector. Arriving hot on the heals of massive bail-out proposals from the Irish and US governments, the new measures would see MPs touring branches of Ladbrokes in their constituencies, handing out £20 notes to unsuccessful punters.

Junior Treasury minister, Ivor Cutler commented: “Nobody would deny that some poor decisions have been made, whether in sub-prime lending or betting the gas money on Flugelhorn Solo in the 4.30 at Musselburgh. However, we have a responsibility to limit the impact of these errors and have announced today’s measures to ensure stability in the wider economy.”

In addition to touring bookmakers, the £25 billion package will also cover:

• The losses of anyone who bought Betamax, Minidiscs or an HD-DVD player.


• The mortgage of anyone who bought a buy-to-let property in the past decade.


• All childcare costs for individuals who couldn’t be bothered to dig out a condom that one time.

Mike Timpson, a retired town planner from Hull, commented on his £20 windfall: “That’s nice. I think I’ll put it on a horse.”