Alasdair Darling has announced sweeping changes to the UK's taxation system, in his first budget as Chancellor, which will see punative charges levvied against all forms of fun. Having previously hinted that the duty on nicotine and alcohol would be raised at above-inflationary rates, there were gasps from the back benches as the Chancellor explained how this would be extended to activities including going to the park, wearing brightly-coloured hats and tickling babies by 2010.
"Uncertainty in the global financial markets, combined with slower consumer spending in the latter half of 2007/2008, means we're all just going to have to stop dicking around and focus for a bit", said darling. "Do you really think the Chinese are having fun? Of course they're not."
Perhaps the most controversial measure is the imposition of a £20 charge for those wishing to indulge in sexual intercourse. It is still unclear whether the charge will be levvied on a per-emmission basis or simply per-session. There will, however, be an exemption for those who can produce written confirmation, signed by the other party, that the encounter was "guilty, furtive and hateful".
The move received guarded approval from Shadow Chancellor George Osborne, who nonetheless drew paralells between the "fun tax" and the Tories' own plans to give cohabiting couples a financial incentive to marry.
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