Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has today announced a new scheme to register the email addresses and online identities of all UK sex offenders. These lists will be checked against the records of social networking sites and other potential targets, to safeguard children and other legitimate internet users.
Failure to provide accurate addresses, or withholding other online details, could result in a lengthy prison sentence.
"Sex offenders are, by their very nature, terrified of breaking the law", gloated Smith. "They are also infamously rubbish at making up false identities for themselves, particularly in the secure, verifiable environment of the internet. This law is flawless."
Terrance Guppie is a reformed sex offender, who now works in prisons to help rehabilitate recent convicts.
"This new law will really make people think twice", agreed Guppie. "Imagine I spent a couple of minutes getting a completely anonymous email address, which I used to join a social networking site, before befriending, grooming and horribly defiling a teenage girl. If she then ratted me out to the police, I'd be in so much trouble over that unregistered email."
In other news, one of the busiest commuter lines from the capital was brought a halt this afternoon, when satire threw itself under the 17:45 at Cricklewood.
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