FROM THE ARCHIVES: One more zebra-legged angel in heaven tonight

Charlie “Lord” Bunsenby, the celebrated proprietor of many of Britain’s best-loved travelling curiosities, has announced the tragic death of his most popular performer, Bartholomew the Zebra-Legged Boy.

The news follows several weeks of intense public concern and compassion, which manifested itself in the form of large crowds, gathering to watch Bartholomew gasp and grimace on a specially constructed platform in Trafalgar Square.

Among those anxious to pay their final respects to Bartholomew was Elspeth Chrome, a mother of nine from Chipping Sodbury.

“He’s been so very brave, letting everybody share his final, agonising moments,” she said. “It must be so terribly hard for him – almost as hard as it is for us. So we have to keep watching. He can’t be brave if nobody’s watching.”

Vesuvius Bloom, another admirer, added: “I feel like this is the end of a very personal journey I’ve taken with Bartholomew. I was there at the beginning, cheering him on as he slipped around in his own filth, trying to stand on those hilarious legs of his. He stole our hearts.”

Mr Bunsenby also used the announcement to hit back at those who have accused him of exploiting a vulnerable young man.

“Bartholomew was a very canny fellow, who had the good sense to surround himself with experts like me, whose only desire was to protect his interests. He frequently acknowledged his own lack of discernable talent, education or breeding. Despite these lowly beginnings, he died in his own cage, with a good supply of straw – if anything, he exploited me, the wily fellow!”

UK urged to "play to its strengths" as pound is shelved

Sterling imploded this morning, after Chancellor Alistair Darling temporarily forgot what century it was and threw “the full weight of her Majesty’s Pound” behind the UK’s astronomically indebted banks. Instead, it was announced, the country’s economy will now be based on impotent, directionless rage.

Retailers immediately scrambled to adjust to the surprise change of currency. According to the big three supermarkets, a broad consensus has now been reached on pricing, with 500g of standard beef mince costing a resigned sigh and a comment about “broken Britain”. A whole line-caught Alaskan Salmon, on the other hand, will set shoppers back by anything from a tirade about city bonuses, to a lament on “complacent civil servants and their gold-plated pensions.”

The move has already caused controversy in some quarters, with several noted economists observing that everyone in the South East of England is now a multi-billionaire.

However, the Chancellor remains bullish, dismissing opposition accusations that the move was simply a knee-jerk reaction to the crisis.

“This was a necessary, strategic adjustment that had to be made for the long-term stability of our economy,” commented Darling. “Of course other options were considered. We examined the feasibility of everybody clubbing together to buy a Euro, but someone would have had to go to France to collect it and they may have needed to buy lunch. Plus Uganda wouldn’t lend us the fare for the Eurostar.

“Then we looked at switching to a bartering economy, but realised that would basically consist of millions trying to swap value-added media market intelligence for processed cheese.

“We in the UK have a proud history of making the most of what we’ve got – and we’ve got more ill-informed, temple-throbbing bile than any nation on Earth. Let’s use that.”

King urges imaginary approach to financial crisis

The Bank of England has estimated the credit losses suffered by global financial institutions could total a staggering £1.8 trillion in imaginary money, up sharply from its previous arbitrary guess. The banks, which spent the 90s lending huge amounts of cash they did not have, to borrowers who could not pay it back, are now in the grip of “the worst existential crisis since the great ‘meat balloon’ of the 1950s”, confirmed Bank of England chairman Mervyn King.

“The financial services sector has grown massively in the past 20 years, on the back of entirely imaginary money,” said King. “The more imaginary money it made, the happier its shareholders were and the more imaginary wealth filtered down into the general economy. Unfortunately, this encouraged a lot of people to look at how much imaginary money their bedsit was worth, get jobs which paid £50k a year to make imaginary things and then go out and spend that on real stuff, like rotating hub caps and smoothie makers from China.

“Fortunately though, many of the world’s most imaginative minds are hard at work imagining additional funds to plug this growing gap. The recent conjuration of £300 billion in the UK, for example, will allow the banks to begin lending again to those people who have lost their jobs.”

King concluded: “Fundamentally, the £1.8 trillion has not been lost – we’ve simply stopped believing in it. Therefore, we are today proposing a new global initiative to kick-start the system, under which everyone just closes their eyes and wishes really hard.

“Come on everyone… One… Two… Three!”