Disgraced shock jock Russell Brand has this morning been offered a new role as the UK’s first Minister for Public Rage, after being sacked by the BBC only hours earlier. The new Ministry, whose offices are to be built in the beautiful and protected New Forest National Park, will be staffed entirely by slave children and drug fiends. Receiving an annual salary of £7.2 billion, Brand will be called upon during times of crisis, to leave unimaginative abuse on the answering machines of elderly celebrities.
Despite continuing chaos in the global economy, soaring unemployment in the UK, and humanitarian catastrophe in an African country the size of Western Europe, today’s headlines were once again dominated by the spat between Brand, a retired sitcom actor and a burlesque dancer.
Speaking from the steps of Number 10, Gordon Brown said: “It’s at times like these that Britain is at its best. Rallying together, to focus on what is important. These are certainly perilous days – our generation’s Dunkirk, if you will – but we have never been a nation to shy away from evil. And, though the struggle ahead may be long and arduous, it is important we are not distracted by other trifling matters. Just keep watching the hairy, shouty man - he’s got your licence fee.”
Brand has already accepted the role and is reportedly on standby. In the event that Congolese rebel forces take the key city of Goma, he will immediately call the answering machine of Peter Sallis, 87, who played Clegg in Last of the Summer Wine and leave a song about bumming his niece.
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