"Sports fans" cry foul over volleyball fracas

Millions of sports fans were left confused and a little guilty yesterday, after a tense beach volleyball match between Georgia and Russia ended with the four women exchanging verbal barbs over the ongoing conflict in their home countries.

“When beach volleyball players start arguing, that only means one thing to me,” commented Gary McNiven, a 27 year-old quantity surveyor from Fife. “Part of me expected them to start wrestling and spraying each other with energy drinks, but another part couldn’t stop thinking about the profound geo-political ramifications of resurgent Russian nationalism, and what it might mean for fledgling democracies in the Caucuses.

“It’s just a good job they didn’t have to be separated by a burly lifeguard.”

Class war "an irrelevance" claim very posh men

Senior Conservatives have reacted angrily to an apparent return to “class war” tactics in the increasingly bitter Crewe by-election, after Tamsin Dunwoody’s campaign team distributed a leaflet portraying Tory candidate Edward Timpson as a top hat-wearing, silver spoon-sucking toff.

Lord Arligton, shadow minister for catteries and children, said: “This kind of tactic is an irrelevance in modern British politics. The warmth with which the Great British Public has embraced the shadow cabinet is proof positive that the class war is over. The fact that we all went to Eton, enjoy punting and sometimes accidentally call Theresa May ‘Matron’ is of absolutely no interest to voters.

“We are listening to the people, and what they care about is policy, not whether grandpapa was a Lord Admiral. Our calls for extra tuck on Wednesdays and a moratorium on towel-flicking – pending studies on its long-term effects – have struck a real chord.”

Although Ms Dunwoody was unavailable for comment on the controversy, a senior Labour Party figure has hinted that Gordon Brown is on the offensive, proposing to “fuck it all” and “re-nationalise everything as fast as we can”.

The loneliest highway - re-thinking an American legend

With Seattle’s ACME Inflatable Art Gallery(TM) set to host a retrospective of botanical drawings by Wile E Coyote, Mel Stanford examines the troubled life behind the infamous public persona.

From 1949 to the mid-1990s, Wile E Coyote was the sole protagonist in an unpopular and apparently doomed campaign to rid the New Mexican Highway – a critical trade link between North and South America – of reckless and smug birdlife.

Though originally backed with grants from the federal government, Coyote’s high-profile lack of success led to a withdrawal of funding in 1955. From this point, the considerable expense of acquiring anvils, TNT, high speed tonic, invisible paint, various jet-propelled vehicles (pogo sticks, roller-skates and unicycles), wigs, artificial rocks, birdseed and dehydrated boulders was met entirely from his own pocket (and support from his life-long benefactor, the ACME corporation).

Having struggled for 40 years with chronic manic depression, Coyote’s few close friends insist his obsessive devotion to work was the only way he felt able to keep his personal demons in check. In a 2002 interview with Rolling Stone, long-time confidant Marvin ‘the Martian’ Rubens, confirmed: “At times, it was like he was running on thin air, only held up by his belief in the chase. If he slowed down, or took his eye off the ball – even for a second – he’d be in freefall.”

The turning point came in 1995, when Coyote’s long-suffering wife finally admitted a 20-year affair with celebrated outdoorsman Elmer Fudd (which, despite both being in the public eye, they had managed to keep vewy, vewy quiet) and left him with what little remained of their shared wealth.

Cut loose from the one stable influence in a life of cruel near-misses and frustrated ambition, Coyote fell into a spiral of drug abuse and increasingly bizarre pest-control techniques, which culminated in his tragic death aboard an invisible atomic steel carrot.

Initially a source of great amusement among those who had always scorned his quixotic struggle, Coyote’s death has, in time, led to a more sober reappraisal of his life and work. As well as the botanical drawings, his scholarly work on the structural safety of rocky overhangs has found new relevance in the battle against coastal erosion.

Perhaps most ironically, Coyote’s passing may also have secured the victory he so desperately sought in life. Having grown accustomed to the enormous piles of grain he habitually used as bait – in addition to tit-bits discarded by tourists attracted by his escapades – the roadrunner population lost the ability to gather its own food and is now listed as an endangered species.

Stop and Smell The Flowers opens at the ACME Inflatable Art Gallery(TM), Seattle, on Monday 16 June

BREAKING NEWS: Boris "not as funny since he won" complain Londoners

The credibility of London’s mayoral system suffered a major blow this afternoon, as Boris Johnson was pushed from office only a few days after winning the capital’s top job. Having tired of gritty, sweary everyman Ken Livingstone less than a week ago, Londoners have now given bumbling, foppish aristocrat Johnson his marching orders and appointed an hilarious, wine-swilling, accident-prone Frenchman, simply known as Monsieur Fromage.

However, despite having won a considerable majority, Fromage’s position is apparently already under threat, from a brightly-coloured piece of tinsel which has become caught in the branches of a tree in Hyde Park.

UN demands action over meme crisis

The United Nations issued an urgent plea today, following an emergency meeting of the Security Council, calling for action from all developed nations to alleviate the shortage of memes which has already devastated large portions of the internet.

“If you’d told me last August that people would still be making LOLcats in May 2008, I would have laughed. Out loud”, commented Richard McGoggin, lead researcher at web monitoring firm, InSite Analytics. “But I don’t think anyone could have predicted how quickly things would change.

“The references just became too insular and weird. This was fine in a strong market, where casual consumers are easily intrigued, but as the market has matured, there’s been a real sense of… well.. boredom. Boredom and anger.”

The shortage, which has its roots in the US but has spread quickly worldwide, has been most keenly felt in b3ta.com and boingboing.net, where all foreign bloggers have been ejected and pirate hats, ninja throwing stars and “cheezburgers” are reportedly being rationed.

Brock Louche, the UN special rapporteur on memes, said: “While we have seen similar challenges in the past, the current crisis has been exacerbated by the failure of several weak memes over the past six months.

“Using flow charts to explain things you wouldn’t normally use them to explain seemed like a good idea to start with, but then everyone got distracted by pie charts, which was really a dead end.

"A lot of people have turned to illustrating news stories using Lego men. No civilised society would call that a meme and it saddens me deeply to see it."

The UN statement follows strong criticism of the Western democracies, over their response to the crisis. To date, the UK and France have donated just 5,000 unicorns, of a promised 45,000, while the United States has not yet made any headway on its pledge to air-drop 150,000 banjo-playing polar bears.

“While hopelessly outdated, even these memes would make a real difference in the short term”, concluded Louche. “But we need to begin thinking about the longer term. Unless we can secure a reliable supply of new memes, literally millions will be forced to make jokes other people can understand. I, for one, don’t ever want to see that.”

RDR's woes deepen, as Rowling joined by more wronged celebs

Lawyers for the millionaire children’s author JK Rowling have confirmed that fellow novelist, Agatha Christie and the legendary Mongol warlord, Ghengis Khan have joined Rowling to bring a class action suit against RDR books, the American publisher behind “The Harry Potter Lexicon”.

“While investigating the extent of RDR’s infringement, we were shocked to discover that Ms Rowling is far from the only victim here,” read the statement. “The Getaway guide to Agatha Christie’s England and Dateline Mongolia are undisguised and clumsy attempts to capitalise on valuable brand recognition of legitimate rights holders.

“Through repeated references to my client’s swift and bloody conquest of 13th Century Asia, Dateline Mongolia is clearly hoping to imply some sort of association or endorsement. Its florid description of Mr Khan’s crushing of the of the Kara-Khitan Khanate – which, after all happened hundreds of years ago – adds absolutely nothing new and is, basically, theft.”

Khan’s participation in the suit appears to be part of a wider strategy to crack down on unauthorised use of his intellectual property. Just last month, the warlord’s lawyers successfully enforced a fiercely disputed patent, covering the practice of “drinking the blood of an enemy, devouring his cattle and / or, using his women.”

Meanwhile, press speculation that Christie would either join with Rowling, or bring her own action against RDR reached a climax during an interview published in yesterday’s Wall Street Journal, in which she described Christie’s England as a “fucking travesty” and its author as a “shit-wagon”.

SHOWBIZ NEWS: "Mars" star Glennister confirmed for new spin-off

Actor Phillip Glennister has confirmed he will return to the role of DCI Gene Hunt, the hard-bitten copper with a heart of gold, for a third incarnation of the BBC’s popular Life on Mars franchise. Due to be filmed later this year, for broadcast in Spring 2009, the new series will see Glennister paired with Barbara Windsor, playing a forensic pathologist who, a week before retirement, suffers a near-fatal accident with a pipette and is catapulted into the year 2038.

The BBC has been keen to keep the plot of the series secret, though sources close to the production team have suggested that about 90% of the locations used for filming would be “non period-specific former industrial land” with a soundtrack of “mostly German techno”.

Keeley Hawes, star of the show’s previous outing, Ashes to ashes, is said to make a brief appearance in the first episode, in which she saves Manchester by piloting an out-of-control spaceship into the sun.