Service sector tries to remember GCSE woodworking

The UK’s knowledge economy soiled itself this morning, after the FTSE index of 100 leading shares opened down over 400 points, heralding the end of free cash for useless people. Across the country, PR agencies, think tanks, web designers, events organisers and anyone whose job title ends with ‘analyst’ or ‘consultant’ simultaneously realised they no longer have any marketable skills and wondered where they would be able to buy 600 goats before the currency collapsed.

“I used to know how to make a little box by folding a sheet of A4, but I’ve forgotten,” commented Alex Farquhar, a systems capacity analyst from Watford. “My best shot is making pictures out of curly pasta and card, but the material costs are so high that I’d probably have to supplement that by letting a drug company inject experimental medicine into my face.”

Estate agent Barry Logan, however, is among a growing group in his industry who believe the accelerating economic decline could play to their advantage.

“We’ve basically had nothing to do for the past year, giving us a head start,” explained Logan. “Although I spent the first six months touching myself and playing Super Monkeyball on my iPhone, I’ve recently got quite good at making little collapsible footstools. I also got my hands on a job lot of garden hose and special weighted trousers. Reckon there could be a pretty big market for that sort of thing soon.”

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Iceland plans really big car boot sale

Confidence in the global banking system was dealt a fresh blow today, when it was revealed that the six Icelandic banks seeking state debt guarantees own most of the UK. Despite having a population of just 218 and a currency based entirely on cod, the tiny Atlantic nation successfully borrowed sufficient capital to buy Birmingham, Cornwall, Fife and much of East Anglia during the late 1990s.

The Icelandic Government has moved quickly to calm fears that the more attractive parts of Britain will be sold to Spain, in an attempt to claw back some of the £27 trillion now owed to international financiers.

Icelandic Trade Secretary Bjork said: “Wheeeeeeeeeai! Thrill in the parade of One! Sparkle! In glorious phantoms and cream!”

Johnson declares himself Queen, sacks Government

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson has shocked political pundits by pronouncing himself “Queen of London” and sacking the Labour Government – a move described by Johnson himself as “constitutionally bold”. He then went on to establish an “Interim Protectorate”, which will handle the day-to-day running of the country “until the democratic process delivers a nice Conservative government.”

Both the European Union and the United Nations have condemned the move, while NATO has warned Mr Johnson to recall the battalion of Challenger tanks currently heading through the Channel Tunnel toward France.

Mr Johnson’s increasingly erratic behaviour has sharply divided the mainstream press. Today's Daily Express hailed a “revolution of common-sense, decency and old-fashioned values”, while The Guardian spontaneously vaporised itself in an a massive wave of righteous indignation, leaving only the crystalised husk of George Monbiot radiating white-hot rage.

Darling unveils new stability package

Chancellor Alistair Darling has announced a bold new package of financial stimuli, aimed at supporting areas of the economy suffering knock-on effects from the crisis in the banking sector. Arriving hot on the heals of massive bail-out proposals from the Irish and US governments, the new measures would see MPs touring branches of Ladbrokes in their constituencies, handing out £20 notes to unsuccessful punters.

Junior Treasury minister, Ivor Cutler commented: “Nobody would deny that some poor decisions have been made, whether in sub-prime lending or betting the gas money on Flugelhorn Solo in the 4.30 at Musselburgh. However, we have a responsibility to limit the impact of these errors and have announced today’s measures to ensure stability in the wider economy.”

In addition to touring bookmakers, the £25 billion package will also cover:

• The losses of anyone who bought Betamax, Minidiscs or an HD-DVD player.


• The mortgage of anyone who bought a buy-to-let property in the past decade.


• All childcare costs for individuals who couldn’t be bothered to dig out a condom that one time.

Mike Timpson, a retired town planner from Hull, commented on his £20 windfall: “That’s nice. I think I’ll put it on a horse.”

Research shocks furry bigots

Scientists from York University have, today, released the findings of a major study into the genetic origins of common house mice from across Europe. As well as establishing a link between the migratory history of humans and rodents, the findings will be used in a special series of programmes for BBC2, aimed at tackling casual racism among British mice.

Benji Mouse, a common house mouse from Richmond, who participated in the first programme in the series, commented: “I’ve always seen myself as purely Mus musculus domesticus, British as the Union Jack. But it turns out there’s some Mus famulus in there and even some Mus mattheyi on my old mum’s side. At least that explains my brother Gary. Tight bastard.”

Dr Emilio Escargot, who co-authored the paper for the Royal Society, explained: “We’re not suggesting British mice shouldn’t be proud of their own tradition and culture - more that they should embrace the diverse mix of international influences which went into shaping it. Particularly in these uncertain economic times, racism is a growing problem among mice, many of whom believe they are only living in a dirty bin because all the swish council flats are going to Mus booduga families.”

"Sports fans" cry foul over volleyball fracas

Millions of sports fans were left confused and a little guilty yesterday, after a tense beach volleyball match between Georgia and Russia ended with the four women exchanging verbal barbs over the ongoing conflict in their home countries.

“When beach volleyball players start arguing, that only means one thing to me,” commented Gary McNiven, a 27 year-old quantity surveyor from Fife. “Part of me expected them to start wrestling and spraying each other with energy drinks, but another part couldn’t stop thinking about the profound geo-political ramifications of resurgent Russian nationalism, and what it might mean for fledgling democracies in the Caucuses.

“It’s just a good job they didn’t have to be separated by a burly lifeguard.”