The Tech Horn

Stephen Timms MP (Meat Plank)

2010-04-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

What to say, in the aftermath of the Digital Economy Bill (DEB), about the letter sent by Stephen Timms MP (our Minister for Digital Britain) to another MP, Emily Thornberry, in which he explains the acronym ‘IP address’ as meaning ‘intellectual property address’.

There’s been quite a bit of online guffawing and hair-pulling about this already today, mostly suggesting that Stephen Timms personally doesn’t know what an IP address is. I’m torn between my intrinsic good nature and the bitter cynicism I’ve been forced to cultivate.

Viewed charitably: Stephen Timms probably doesn’t write a lot of his own mail. In any case, ministerial questions are usually picked up by expert civil servants in the relevant department. What may well have happened here is a civil servant wrote an answer and, in the casual manner of someone who deals with this stuff every day, just wrote “IP address” without spelling it out. It was then either typed up or checked over by a wonklet, who added the incorrect detail for clarity.

Viewed uncharitably: Either Stephen Timms or (perhaps more damningly) someone in his department thinks IP addresses exist for the purpose of intellectual property enforcement, rather than simply to identify network nodes.

Even if it’s somewhere between the two, the implied acceptance that IP addresses are a realistic means of detecting and enforcing infringement is troubling, particularly as it’s precisely this logic which underpins the craziest parts of the DEB.

Well hung

2010-04-07T04:42:00.000-07:00

The media cliché du jour seems to be that David Cameron “has a mountain to climb” if he’s to secure a workable majority in four weeks time. Of course, the true picture is muddied by wildly diverging poll results, which probably reflect either:

a) The high proportion of decidedly undecided voters.
b) The political allegiances of the newspapers doing the commissioning.

Either way though, it seems less and less likely that Cameron will be able to surf along the Mall, through Westminster and into the doors of Number 10 on a wave of grateful Hard-Working British Families.

But a hung parliament may not be such a bad thing. Sure, traders all over the world are likely to start selling the Pound like it’s made of ghosts, but I don’t think that should be our primary concern. At best, forced cooperation with other parties will lead whoever forms the next Government to abandon some of their entrenched thinking. At worst, it’ll gum up the whole system so badly that nobody will be able to do anything to make matters worse. Frankly, either sounds good.

Dread and apathy on the campaign trail

2010-04-07T02:34:00.001-07:00

There was a time when I'd get very excited at the prospect of a General Election; the trading of Big Ideas, our one real chance to change the course and currency of the national debate.

But this time, it feels a bit like I've been gang raped by three bikers, then asked which of them gets to be my boyfriend.

And I won’t even get a tattoo in return for voting.

Eyes on the road, Cameron

2010-03-23T04:22:00.000-07:00

While I'm very happy that David and Samantha Cameron will once again soon be hearing the pitter-patter of little cloven hooves, I have two problems with the story.

1) It's everywhere. Where a particular story consists of just one fact, run it - on the front page if you really have to - then move on. Telling us the same thing again doesn't mean it's still news.

2) The fact that David Cameron was capable of maintaining a stonk-on tells me he's not sufficiently worried about our spiralling national debt. Can you imagine Mervyn King strolling in late to a meeting of the MPC, furtively zipping his fly with a laddish wink to Paul Tucker? Of course you can't. Because he's got gravitas.

UPDATE
We all know the dangers of electing prime ministers on the basis of how naturally affable they seem on telly. But you've got to hand it to him - Cameron is pretty darned affable on telly.

I promise that's the nicest thing you'll ever see me write about him.

"Here comes Mr Blobbyeeeee...."

2010-02-16T02:29:00.001-08:00

Sometimes our cold, cruel, cynical universe drops something into your life which makes just makes you stop and marvel at the sheer beauty of creation.

Apparently, gimlet-eyed chuckle merchant turned right-wing ragecaster Noel Edmonds is currently pitching a game show concept called Beat the Monkey.

I’m hoping it will be a lot like House Party, with the addition of frantic, competitive onanism. Watch this space.

You are Spartacus

2010-01-19T03:59:00.000-08:00

Just spotted an absolutely darling little Flash banner ad for the UK’s new ‘voluntary’ ID card programme. It starts with a cutesy little potato man popping up and saying “I’m Spartacus”, who is soon joined by another and another, and so on. You get the idea.

But then the potato men disappear (bye bye!) and are replaced by a smiley thumb print, who says “Actually, I’m Spartacus”, before whipping out his ID card as proof.

Lovely. So, for those few of you who may be unfamiliar with Stanley Kubrick’s 1960 classic Spartacus, let’s fill in the blanks.

Our smiley thumb here is Spartacus, a righteous hero of the downtrodden masses. He’s already been dragged into the cruel games of the totalitarian regime under which he has toiled for so many years and witnessed the contempt in which it holds him and his lowly kind. Not seeking glory or power, he nonetheless finds himself leading an uprising of slaves against the corruption and excess of the state.

In this particular scene, Crassus (a Roman baddy) promises a band of captured slaves they will be freed if they identify Spartacus in their midst. One by one, they each stand and claim to be Spartacus, in the hope that the thumb’s true identity will remain undiscovered and he will be freed to continue the revolution.

But, uh-oh, Thumb Spartacus has an ID card and corresponding entry on the nasty Roman biometric database.

I don’t know if you’ve ever crucified your thumb (I have, with a stapler), but it bloody hurts.

Without wishing to hammer my point home, if you’ll pardon the expression, I find it odd that the Home Office has chosen to reference this particular film. Maybe in a few weeks’ time we’ll see the little potato men doing the Two Minute Hate.

Poor David Cameron...

2009-11-06T04:03:00.001-08:00

His time at Eton must have been terribly lonely. Simple logistics dictate that, as a left-hander, he would always have to face out during circle-jerks.

There's a special Tech Horn prize for any comments managing to work that imagine into a decent metaphor.

Don’t patronise people who’ve recently lent you £17 billion.

2009-10-29T04:22:00.000-07:00

Just got an email from LloydsTSB, asking if I wanted to set up a meeting with their “Financial Health Specialist” to help me manage my money.

Forwarded it on to their chief exec Eric Daniels, asking if he wanted to set up a meeting with my “Due Diligence Specialist” to help him not buy any more big piles of toxic shit.

Welcome to Scotland, you prick

2009-10-22T04:59:00.000-07:00

Just watched a new party political broadcast by the SNP. It basically consisted of a haircut with a chin running through a lovely village and up a mountain, from which he shouted “Scotland”, while all the people who had cheered him along look on proudly. At the end, you hear his call reverberating around outside the Palace of Westminster, where a young (presumably) English couple look scared.

The merits of independence aside (let’s leave that for another day) this advert tells us a few things:

That the closest Scotland gets to a positive self image is basically Monarch of The Glen.
That our communities are close, caring and – above all – white.
That the English are bastards.

On that happy note, Alex Salmond goes on to explain why only the SNP can dig Scotland out of the economic disaster the UK Government has created, because Westminster is “constantly holding us back”.

HBOS, Alex. RBS.

Mail hack blames Gately death on gay marriage

2009-10-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

The chaps on the fantastic Daily Mail Watch really have all the bases covered when it comes to exposing the horrible tricks the paper uses to keep its readership in the dark. But they’ve not got around to this particular story by Jan Moir yet, so I thought I’d just share it while it’s still hot.

I’d strongly recommend you gird your loins and read it for yourselves. In a nutshell though, it’s saying that the untimely death of Stephen Gately is sad because he was young, but was really to be expected, what with him being a pervert and everything.

It kicks off fairly mildly (for the Mail) – putting Gately’s death into the context of celebrity substance abuse. This is okay-ish, as the current thinking is that he choked on his own vomit after a night of heavy drinking, even though this is hardly large living on the scale of Amy Winehouse, for example. So, this is going to be a story about the decadence and excess of celebrity then? Hypocritical for a paper which lives off celebrity gossip, but par for the course.

Then things start getting a little nasty:

"Although he was effectively smoked out of the closet, he has been hailed as a champion of gay rights, albeit a reluctant one."

The clear innuendo here is that, as he spoiled the media’s fun by choosing to beat the tabloids to the story, he should at least have been given a spot of public humiliation. I simply can’t imagine why he chose not to discuss his sexuality for so many years.

The story gets uglier still when Jan Moir starts playing around with the word “natural”, as in “natural causes”; the outcome of the Spanish post-mortem. She uses this word several times, in and out of context, then really hits it home, setting the tone for the rest of the piece, with this delightful little number:

"Whatever the cause of death is, it is not, by any yardstick, a natural one. Let us be absolutely clear about this. All that has been established so far is that Stephen Gately was not murdered.

And I think if we are going to be honest, we would have to admit that the circumstances surrounding his death are more than a little sleazy."

So we slide effortlessly from “natural” as a term for describing the cause of death to “natural” as a moral measure of the circumstances surrounding it.

Having conflated “sleazy” and “gay”, Moir than descends into pure innuendo, implying that Gately’s grieving civil partner brought another man back to their apartment for sex, while Gately himself lay in the next room choking to death. Of course, rather than “they were having sex”, she writes “it is not disrespectful to assume that a game of canasta with 25-year-old Georgi Dochev was not what was on the cards”. Stating it plainly would require some evidence. And she has none at all.

Having dealt with Gately’s husband, the spotlight of Moir’s baseless speculation turns on his parents.

"Gately's family have always maintained that drugs were not involved in the singer's death, but it has just been revealed that he at least smoked cannabis on the night he died.

Nevertheless, his mother is still insisting that her son died from a previously undetected heart condition that has plagued the family."

Right. Because cannabis is lethal. His mum probably sold it to him too.

But surely Jan, there’s some sort of wider lesson we can draw from this tragedy? You bet your boots there is. The “real sadness”, she bleats tearfully, “ is that it strikes another blow to the happy-ever-after myth of civil partnerships”.

It turns out that this whole mess is down to “gay activists” going around convincing people that same sex relationships are the same as heterosexual relationships. “Not everyone” these activists apparently claim “is like George Michael”… Eh? The beard? A former member of Wham? What do you mean Jan?

And if that weren’t tasteless enough, she then brings up the recent death of Kevin McGee, Matt Lucas’ former partner, as some sort of evidence that something unspecified is fundamentally rotten about the very idea of gay marriage.

Ipso facto. QED.

This despicable article works by mauling Gately’s character – quite gently at first, then by assuming that homosexuality automatically brings polygamy and casting his family and supporters in the role of conspirators. On this basis, Moir is then free to imply any explanation she chooses, regardless of how little real information or evidence she has.

BOOTNOTE:

In fairness, the comments section (which, as a rule, tends to pick up on the journalist’s innuendo and repeat it in less regulator-friendly terms) was generally damning of the story, which restored my faith in humanity just a little.

But that’s not to say there weren’t a few corkers in there. Apart from the predictable “you’ve said what everyone is thinking – stand up to the PC brigade!” yawn, this one stood out for being simultaneously psychopathic, homophobic and slightly camp.

“Whilst no one likes to see someone die so young, I have to say that I saw Stephen Gately in Joseph, and he absolutely murdered the songs.”

Derren Brown: A correction and apology

2009-09-22T02:35:00.001-07:00

Actually, I take it all back about Derren Brown – he’s a genius. He was able to reach out, through my quite ordinary TV set, and plant the suggestion in my subconscious mind that I should punch him in the face. Remarkable.

It's like magic, but crushingly dull

2009-09-15T04:28:00.000-07:00

I really don’t want to jump on the “Derren Brown is an absolutely massive twat” bandwagon, but we all sometimes have to do things we don’t want to.

Of course, nobody actually expected him to reveal exactly how he pulled off the lottery trick in his special C4 broadcast on Friday night. But I’d at least hoped for some insights into the techniques he used to throw us off the scent. As has been widely discussed, there was a lot packed into that original 10-minute broadcast, in terms of what he said, what he didn’t say and the setup itself (two wobbly cameras and a bare studio etc).

What we actually got was an hour of flimsy ‘experiments’ and embarrassing pseudo-mathematical, pseudo-psychological guff. “I could spend the entire hour explaining how Deep Mathematics works…” said Derren. Actually, that’s not a bad idea - why don’t you?

We learned absolutely nothing, apart from (possibly) a coin-flipping parlour trick. The only people who could possibly have believed Brown’s line were the 24 poor schmucks given the full benefit of his (clearly effective) powers of manipulation, whose collective “wisdom” correctly predicted the winning numbers.

But – and let me be 100% clear about this – it’s not a problem that he faked it. It’s just a trick and there’s no way he could have revealed his prediction ahead of the draw, simply because he didn’t know what the results would be. That’s a given.

The problem is that there are several perfectly mundane and obvious explanations for the Lottery trick, which have been dealt with (and reproduced) in great detail elsewhere online. Few people believe in magic, but the trick denied us even the challenge of working out possible solutions. The question of ‘how’ is now largely redundant, so where does that leave us?

Disappointed with the “event”, certainly, but more disappointed with Brown himself. I’ve always had mixed feelings about the man: I like magic tricks and dislike people who claim to have actual psychic powers, which makes Brown’s shtick very appealing on paper. But it’s always made me slightly uncomfortable and now I realise why.

He’s very smug about psychics, spiritualists and other charlatans of the brain and constantly bangs on about how much hard work he puts in, reminding us that it’s a skill rather than a gift. But in a sense, this is his greatest piece of misdirection, because he’s still asking us to indulge in precisely the kind of magical thinking a more traditional performer would. The fact that Brown’s ‘powers’ are dressed in a more acceptable (but wafer thin) veil of self-conscious almost-science does not mean they require any less of a leap of faith in order to work.

Although the lottery trick was clearly achieved through technology of one kind or another, I desperately wanted there to be more to it than that – some mental slight of hand which just convinced us he’d picked the right numbers. But ultimately, this was a trick requiring no special insight or skill – it was something any of us could have planned and executed with enough resources.

Just like David Blaine’s transition from close-up street magician to That Guy on the Pillar, Derren Brown has been forced to abandon the ideas which made him interesting, in the pursuit of spectacle.

"CLAKRSON FOR PM - LOL!!!", says report

2009-08-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

The UK Government’s controversial Food Strategy document has been opened up to users of the BBC’s ‘Have Your Say’ message board, in a move described by the Home Office as a “bold and forward-thinking experiment in direct democracy”.

Under the initiative, users of the internet forum are being given the opportunity to edit the document, to reflect the views of “ordinary people”, before it is finalised later this year.

Among the first round of changes is a new concluding paragraph in the section titled ‘Public spaces for sustainable communities’. As well as a pledge that more paved public spaces will be turned over to community allotment projects, the document now expresses its concern over “kids cycling around the cul-de-sac like maniacs. There’s bound to be a fatality and whose fault will that be? The parents, that’s who.”

In another section, “Food equality for social justice”, the report now asks “Why is everybody too afraid of the PC-brigade to say the obvious? ASDA selling a metric tonne of BBQ meat for £4 isn’t the problem here – it’s immigration. A programme of mandatory sterilisation for everyone I don’t know would be much cheaper and more effective.”

A raft of much smaller amendments are now scattered through the report, many of which simply add “Mr Broon claims” before assertions of fact. There has also been a 3000% increase in the use of exclamation marks, as well as the appearance of a crudely rendered cock and balls, over a graph showing the effect of global warming on domestic wheat yields.

Humbug

2009-07-15T07:24:00.000-07:00

And while we’re on the subject of films, isn’t Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs a little out of whack, chronologically? While a kids’ film in which humans and dinosaurs live side-by-side (instead of being separated by, oooooh, about 65 million years) is pretty much a creationist’s wet dream, we’re surely storing up some serious headaches for the biology teachers of the future.

Maybe they’ll all fall off the edge of the Earth at the end?

Bridget Jones and the baster of spunk

2009-07-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

How exceptionally tasteless: with unemployment reaching the highest levels since records began, a recession in full swing and body bags coming back from Afghanistan, Working Title has decided to make another Bridget Jones film. The story will follow Bridget’s quest for a baby and is rumoured to feature the full range of both Renee Zellweger’s facial expressions.

For the love of Christ, haven’t we suffered enough that we now have to watch her try to breed?

What a barrel of monkeys

2009-07-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, but, as I'd mentioned, a baby happened a couple of months ago, so I've been unable to work up a proper head of steam (due to a combination of unaccountable optimism, extreme fatigue and guilt about wasting my free time blogging. The novelty has now worn off).

What have I missed? Fuck-loads, apparently.

The US and Russia decided to get rid of about half their nuclear warheads, having found new and exciting ways to hasten the inevitable apocalypse. But what are they doing with them now? Keep an eye on eBay.
The UK got Pork Fever! I've read animal farm. I know how this ends.
Half of El-Gordo's cabinet left, after it became clear they were getting thrashed by a party whose one concrete policy is to slash public spending without cutting taxes. I'm going to set up a party headed by angel-faced Aled Jones, which pledges only to piss on war heroes and steal their medals. I bet I win.
Enough people voted BNP to make it worth setting aside a special island for them (not one of the nice ones though. What's that shit one off the Welsh coast? Anybody?)
There was an election in Iran. Was it rigged? Twitter thinks so, and that's pretty much good enough.
Camilla Parker-Bowles got dressed up in cammo and learned how to disarm landmines for charity. Did nobody else think that was a little odd?
Stephen Fry was declared Lord High Priest of Thoughts, transcended his corporeal form and became entirely made of Internet.
The whole MPs' expenses / second homes thing happened. Honestly - I'm quite glad I wasn't around for that. The pressure would have killed me. I'll just allude to it gently, from a safe distance.
Michael Jackson was not CGI. Who knew?

Phew.

One way traffic

2009-04-21T06:12:00.000-07:00

Zowee. More G20 fallout: Just saw a spokesperson for the Police Federation refusing to agree that police officers covering their IDs was unacceptable. Combined with the “don’t let a few bad apples colour your perception of the entire force” rhetoric which has been trotted out over the past few days, you end up with an argument under which the police are neither individually nor collectively accountable when things go wrong.

I have nothing funny to say about the idea that the police should be allowed to operate anonymously. Particularly in situations where their role is to ensure the public can exercise its democratic rights in safety.

A new kind of responsibility

2009-04-16T05:17:00.000-07:00

This is nice. Gordon Brown has finally apologised for the Damian McBride email slur thing, at an interview in Glasgow (presumably on the basis that anything said north of Newcastle immediately has 32.7% less impact, as proven by scientists). He also took “full responsibility”, thus:

…‘Asked if he took responsibility, Brown said: "I take full responsibility for what happens and that's why the person who was responsible went immediately."…

For a chunky lad, Gordon seems to have performed a positively balletic bit of doublethink here; ‘taking responsibility’ while simultaneously finding someone else responsible.

As politicians and government in general have grudgingly opened themselves up to ever greater scrutiny, we’ve gradually accepted the idea that proper ministerial responsibility isn’t really practical. If a Home Secretary resigned every time a junior civil servant lost a CD with all our banking details on it, Noel Edmonds would probably be Home Secretary by now, and that’s no way to run a country.

Which is all well and good, but “I didn’t know what my staff was up to” doesn’t really sound very statesmanlike, does it?

So, ministerial responsibility is back! But, unlike version 1.0, it no longer means “it happened under my watch, so it’s ultimately my fault”. No – welcome to a tough, macho new version of ministerial responsibility, under which ministers 'take responsibility' for cleaning up corruption and incompetence wherever it raises its head (after the event and neatly sidestepping the fact that they were, nominally, in charge).

Imagine the kind of 'taking responsibility' Dirty Harry might indulge in – that’s more where we are now. Gordon’s taking on the establishment, taking matters into his own hands and giving them a damn good shake.

See what we did there? Easy, wasn't it? Expect to see people “taking responsibility” all over Westminster very soon.

A big hello to all my new readers...

2009-04-14T06:16:00.000-07:00

My joy at welcoming you is almost as great as my dismay that the words "Asspocalypse IV" have generated substantially more search hits than anything else I've written here.

Also, my Blogger dashboard has a new tab called 'monetise'.

It must be fate.

Never say you're sorry, except for "Asspocalypse IV"

2009-04-07T02:11:00.000-07:00

Jacqui Smith. Always good value.

We seem to get one Government Minister or another on the Today Programme every morning at the moment, pointing out that they didn’t break The Rules* by spending public money on second (or third) homes.

But dear Jacqui is the only one who has to append “I did absolutely nothing wrong” with “apart from the porn, which I’ve apologised for”.

Before we leap to judgement though, we should remember that MPs do have a very stressful job**, shoulder the full responsibility (if they're ministers) for mistakes made in their departments*** and, thanks to the rigours of democracy, have relatively little job security****. So go easy on them, eh?

* As written by the very people who stand to benefit and, apparently, stating that MPs can have as many houses in central London as they and their extended families might need.

** Parliament sat for around 160 days last year. Attendance is generally far from compulsory.

*** Although, since the late 80s, not to the extent of actually resigning or, indeed, apologising.

**** As opposed to the rest of us, who move seamlessly from being fired to massively well-paid consultancy positions with shadowy international organisations, willing to pay through the nose for our connections and the veneer of respectability.

So, about this global problem...

2009-04-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

Many of the people who could have prevented the current global financial crisis, had they only worked together a bit, today held a summit in the heart of London’s financial district, in a gesture of what can only be interpreted as aggressive irony.

A bit like being offered expensive reconstructive dentistry by the man who just knocked your teeth out with a bat, we’re now being told that the G20 leaders are the only ones with the experience to save us.

But, as we’re constantly being told (in the UK at least) this is a global problem, rather than being the fault of – for example – Gordon Brown personally, a craven regulator and a legion of financial professionals whose sole aim is personal enrichment. For example.

So, while we’ve got the leaders of every single country which has contributed to this mess in the same place, this is surely a great opportunity to point in one direction and say: “You – this was your fault. Whatever the banks or hedge funds or insurers may have done, your job is to make the rules and ensure they’re stuck to. So this global problem really is absolutely your fault.”

Not that it’ll help all that much, but neither will a commitment to doing “whatever is necessary” (were the Finnish holding out for “whatever we can be bothered to do”?). Even a little apology or admission of guilt would sweeten the gruel a little.

Note to our seven loyal readers: I know, it’s not as funny when I don’t pretend to be a newspaper (which makes these last couple of posts marginally less funny than not terribly funny at all). My misanthropy is such that I’m about to bring another human being into the world, simply because I don’t see why anybody should get away with not being born (surely the ultimate existential cop-out) and, consequently, I’m rather busy.

Normal service should resume shortly, or when the lazy little sod gets a job and moves out, whichever happens first.

And tell your friends, you freeloading fuckers.

Not in the mood

2009-04-01T02:36:00.000-07:00

The UK economy is in meltdown, thanks to massive regulatory failure and unchecked greed among consumers and the businesses which serve them. The crisis follows a decade of spiralling property prices and easy access to no-questions-asked credit, which created a self-fuelling cycle of growth.

When it was revealed late last year that almost every bank was lending money to anybody who asked for it, then disguising these debts as rock-solid and selling them on, the entire financial services industry promptly retired with a massive pension.

In a bid to re-start irresponsible lending, the Government has used taxpayers’ money to buy these toxic loans, as well as giving more free cash to the banks, in the hope that they’d lend it back to us, which they haven't.

None of this has worked and the only people who were in a position to avert the crisis have yet to decide exactly whose fault it was. However, this is understandable, as they are also tackling other pressing questions, including:

A) How much of a bonus is too much? And can I at least have a few million for the things which didn’t cripple the economy? Thanks.
B) Should the taxpayer cough up for a house for my parents/lover/nanny, or would it be more tactful to just take an extra £30k on my salary?
C) Why has nobody told my husband he can get his porn for free on bittorrent?

Happy April 1st, suckers.

Anger as temperature rises at Home Office

2009-03-30T03:16:00.000-07:00

There was trouble in Westminster today, as the main thermostat control at the Home Office malfunctioned, causing the temperature to rise to uncomfortable levels. Interns and policy advisers were forced to take regular showers to cool off, while other senior civil servants complained their regulation office-wear felt “so tight”.

The situation was only brought under control several hours later, following the arrival of South African HVAC engineer, Dominick Stullion.

Said Stullion: “When I arrived, there were several young women – from the counter-terrorism team, I think – towelling off their soft golden hair and moisturising one another. I reassured them straight away that I’d brought just the right tool for the job, but that just seemed to make them more agitated. It was all quite awkward, to be honest.”

This is the third time the building's heating and ventilation system has failed this year. The problems are being blamed on the installation last summer of a large open fire, hot tub and sauna.

A word from our sponsors:

2009-03-27T05:56:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Today's news lends a certain piquancy to this one. Thanks Jacqui.

Balls: "We're only as clever as our thickest thicky"

2009-03-27T03:54:00.000-07:00

Following shocking reports that UK science pupils are unable to differentiate between a microscope and a telescope, the Government has announced a campaign to raise standards across the board, by judging all sections of society by their least worthwhile member.

From today, it will be assumed that all women smoke while pregnant and are unable to drive, that men are rapists who are incapable of wiping their bottoms properly and all ethnic minorities smell weird and want to blow us up.

Sally Brittle, a sixth-form student at Greenfields School in High Wickham, said: “I put months of round-the-clock study into my GCSEs, including my A-star in physics. But I guess if Luke Clarke in 11C has spent the past two years melting biros over a Bunsen burner, my qualifications are basically worthless.”

Ed Balls, Secretary of State for children, schools and families, commented: “Under the new rules, I’m a corrupt, incompetent, alcoholic, greedy sex pest. Am I happy about it? No. But we live in a meritocracy. I looked that up in a dictionary, and this is what that means.”

FROM THE ARCHIVES: One more zebra-legged angel in heaven tonight

2009-03-23T08:15:00.000-07:00

Charlie “Lord” Bunsenby, the celebrated proprietor of many of Britain’s best-loved travelling curiosities, has announced the tragic death of his most popular performer, Bartholomew the Zebra-Legged Boy.

The news follows several weeks of intense public concern and compassion, which manifested itself in the form of large crowds, gathering to watch Bartholomew gasp and grimace on a specially constructed platform in Trafalgar Square.

Among those anxious to pay their final respects to Bartholomew was Elspeth Chrome, a mother of nine from Chipping Sodbury.

“He’s been so very brave, letting everybody share his final, agonising moments,” she said. “It must be so terribly hard for him – almost as hard as it is for us. So we have to keep watching. He can’t be brave if nobody’s watching.”

Vesuvius Bloom, another admirer, added: “I feel like this is the end of a very personal journey I’ve taken with Bartholomew. I was there at the beginning, cheering him on as he slipped around in his own filth, trying to stand on those hilarious legs of his. He stole our hearts.”

Mr Bunsenby also used the announcement to hit back at those who have accused him of exploiting a vulnerable young man.

“Bartholomew was a very canny fellow, who had the good sense to surround himself with experts like me, whose only desire was to protect his interests. He frequently acknowledged his own lack of discernable talent, education or breeding. Despite these lowly beginnings, he died in his own cage, with a good supply of straw – if anything, he exploited me, the wily fellow!”

EDITORIAL: Leave our Carole alone!

2009-02-05T05:35:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who finds it infinitely sad that a decent, middle-aged white woman can apparently no longer compare a professional tennis player to a hilarious and harmless child’s toy in an informal, social situation? Is this what the political correctness brigade have reduced us to?

The golliwog is a much loved and endearing symbol of Britain’s multicultural approach to empire-building. Many nations would have been terrified of these curious, dark-skinned men with their long hair, strange voodoo and heathen ways. But we made dolls to celebrate their difference. I think that speaks volumes about our national character.

Indeed, if I were a black professional tennis player, I would be flattered by such a comparison.

And then we have the context. Carole Thatcher was not even on air when she made these remarks, but back stage with only 12 relative strangers. Surely, unless she is being listened to by at least 2 million people, she should be entitled to express any views she wishes in the workplace?

Not convinced? Then try this on for size. Imagine you’re a black fireman or police officer. Clearly, when fighting a blaze or wrestling a drug fiend, it’s very important to work as a team, with no time for horse-play. But could we really begrudge a little good-natured darkie-baiting back at the station? Imagine the effect on morale!

Finally and most distressingly, just look at the cabal of politically correct ‘fellow travellers’ who have appointed themselves judge and jury over poor Carole. Jo Brand, a woman who has based her entire career on making jokes about bodily functions, is among those claiming to have been offended by a simple witticism about the common and readily-apparent physical features of our coloured friends. The sheer hypocrisy!

I was at the very vanguard of those calling for the BBC to be deported following the maelstrom of depravity that was Sachsgate. How sad that the corporation seems not to have learned its lesson and continues to insult the common sense values of decent, hard working Brits. Its victimisation of Carole on the basis of her colour, class and political heritage is nothing short of naked racism and warrants, at the very least, a full and unreserved apology.

Tories hail Cameron's celeb policy love-in

2009-02-02T05:19:00.000-08:00

The Conservatives have announced a further raft of celebrity appointments to key policy positions, in a bid to reinforce the message that the Brown Government is “out-of-touch with hard-working British families”.

First up, Kerry Katona will lead a new healthy eating task force, with the aim of helping individuals live on under £5 a week, by reintroducing them to the simple pleasures of traditional British fare.

Squawked Katona: “Blimey! Thirty kilos of scampi-style breaded bites for £2! And look at this! Half a metric ton of mixed BBQ meat for under a tenner! Helps growing kids get plenty of vitamins Y, U and M!

“At least,” she added, “if mine are anything to go by!!!”

The key role of senior healthcare adviser goes to Derek Thompson, best known for his role as nurse Charlie Fairhead in Casualty.

“I love the NHS, but it clearly has a long way to go before it meets the expectations of the modern patient,” he commented. “As a matter of priority, we need to ban all office Christmas parties, helicopters and canning factories, because they always end up with someone holding their guts in with a wad of dirty napkins. I’ll also be working closely with our counterparts in America, to look at how we can increase the simmering sexual tension in UK operating theatres.”

Completing the line up, Vinnie Jones will lead a strategic review of defence spending, Joanna Lumley is to co-author a white paper on social justice with Martine McCutcheon and, finally, Jamie Oliver will head-up a ten-year study into why he’s such an insufferable, moon-faced prick.

UK urged to "play to its strengths" as pound is shelved

2009-01-20T05:27:00.000-08:00

Sterling imploded this morning, after Chancellor Alistair Darling temporarily forgot what century it was and threw “the full weight of her Majesty’s Pound” behind the UK’s astronomically indebted banks. Instead, it was announced, the country’s economy will now be based on impotent, directionless rage.

Retailers immediately scrambled to adjust to the surprise change of currency. According to the big three supermarkets, a broad consensus has now been reached on pricing, with 500g of standard beef mince costing a resigned sigh and a comment about “broken Britain”. A whole line-caught Alaskan Salmon, on the other hand, will set shoppers back by anything from a tirade about city bonuses, to a lament on “complacent civil servants and their gold-plated pensions.”

The move has already caused controversy in some quarters, with several noted economists observing that everyone in the South East of England is now a multi-billionaire.

However, the Chancellor remains bullish, dismissing opposition accusations that the move was simply a knee-jerk reaction to the crisis.

“This was a necessary, strategic adjustment that had to be made for the long-term stability of our economy,” commented Darling. “Of course other options were considered. We examined the feasibility of everybody clubbing together to buy a Euro, but someone would have had to go to France to collect it and they may have needed to buy lunch. Plus Uganda wouldn’t lend us the fare for the Eurostar.

“Then we looked at switching to a bartering economy, but realised that would basically consist of millions trying to swap value-added media market intelligence for processed cheese.

“We in the UK have a proud history of making the most of what we’ve got – and we’ve got more ill-informed, temple-throbbing bile than any nation on Earth. Let’s use that.”

Bush staffers 'prank' incoming administration

2009-01-20T04:15:00.000-08:00

Keeping a long-standing US tradition, outgoing President George Bush and his staff have reportedly “trashed” the west wing of the White house, leaving numerous light-hearted traps and practical jokes for President-elect Obama when he takes office this afternoon.

Long-time senior strategist for the Bush White House, Jeb Alsman commented: “When we arrived in 2000, there was mostly just a lot of Champagne bottles, donuts and used prophylactics lying around the place. We were still pulling brassieres out of the ventilation system in 2004. Without wishing to give too much away, I’d like to think we’ve been a bit more imaginative.”

Another source close to the Bush administration went further, hinting that President Obama might find a “hilarious” national debt of over £10.6 trillion in the closet of his official residence and that the US Army has been hidden “somewhere hot”.

Commented the source: “All I’m saying is that we massively over-ordered on Tip-Ex in 2001 and had easy access to the Bill of Rights. He might want to take a look at that pretty quickly, if you get my meaning.”

It has already been confirmed that, particularly during his second term, President Bush enjoyed using an alcove in the Oval Office as a lavatory, though this is not being considered a prank, as such.

Green crisis "a massive relief"

2008-12-04T07:03:00.000-08:00

Grateful voters spontaneously took to the streets across the UK today, celebrating Parliament’s decision to take a break from buggering up the economy, in order to argue about things nobody actually cares about. The shock waves from last week’s sensational arrest of Tory front-bencher Damian Green continue to ripple out from the floor of the Commons, travel about 20 metres, then ripple quietly back.

In a further spectacular development, The Speaker of the House gave a lengthy account of his role in the affair on Wednesday, during which absolutely no bold new bailout plans were announced and not a single thing was nationalised.

Danny Glover, a quantity surveyor from Swansea, commented: “It’s been great to have a few days without having to worry about anyone proposing radical new ways to redefine the relationship between the state and the free market. I’ve been able to knuckle down and really apply myself to being massively poor.”

However, Susan Bellicose, the MP for Chertstable, who will be chairing a committee to investigate Mr Green’s arrest, was at pains this afternoon to stress the significance of her role.

“The economy is, without doubt, the single biggest challenge facing not only Government, but every Hard Working Family in the UK,” said Ms Bellicose. "However, there are fundamental democratic principles at stake here and important questions which the public demands be answered. Did ministers have any advance knowledge of the raid? Did police follow correct procedure? Who is this Damian Green character and what, precisely, does he want?”

Meanwhile, Marion Prestwick, a neurologist from Hull, added: “My DNA and dental records are on a Government database, Somalian blackmailers have my bank and NI details on a Home Office CD-ROM, police can search me even if they don’t suspect me of procuring state secrets and I’ve got more CCTV cameras watching me than in any other country in the world. So precisely why would I give a purple spastic toss about the privacy of Parliament?”

Banks not sleeping with your wife

2008-12-03T05:22:00.001-08:00

The UK’s high street banks fiercely denied sleeping with your wife this morning, despite being caught running from your bedroom, wearing your dressing gown and furtively wiping their chin. After initially refusing to comment on the incident, the banks later released a statement, claiming that instances of sleeping with your wife remain at 2007 levels.

“We understand that, under the circumstances, anecdotal evidence that we are having it away with your old lady – those sex tapes in her wardrobe, for example – might be taken to indicate some sort of trend. However, a detailed statistical analysis shows everything is absolutely fine and that you’re just being oversensitive for some reason.

This latest incident comes only a week after HBOS and Barclays were challenged over claims they could turn base metals into gold, which Barclay’s John Varley continues to insist he does “all the time – but not in front of anyone you know.”

Brand offered government role

2008-10-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

Disgraced shock jock Russell Brand has this morning been offered a new role as the UK’s first Minister for Public Rage, after being sacked by the BBC only hours earlier. The new Ministry, whose offices are to be built in the beautiful and protected New Forest National Park, will be staffed entirely by slave children and drug fiends. Receiving an annual salary of £7.2 billion, Brand will be called upon during times of crisis, to leave unimaginative abuse on the answering machines of elderly celebrities.

Despite continuing chaos in the global economy, soaring unemployment in the UK, and humanitarian catastrophe in an African country the size of Western Europe, today’s headlines were once again dominated by the spat between Brand, a retired sitcom actor and a burlesque dancer.

Speaking from the steps of Number 10, Gordon Brown said: “It’s at times like these that Britain is at its best. Rallying together, to focus on what is important. These are certainly perilous days – our generation’s Dunkirk, if you will – but we have never been a nation to shy away from evil. And, though the struggle ahead may be long and arduous, it is important we are not distracted by other trifling matters. Just keep watching the hairy, shouty man - he’s got your licence fee.”

Brand has already accepted the role and is reportedly on standby. In the event that Congolese rebel forces take the key city of Goma, he will immediately call the answering machine of Peter Sallis, 87, who played Clegg in Last of the Summer Wine and leave a song about bumming his niece.

Darling annouces new fiscal rules

2008-10-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

The fiscal rules widely credited with creating the environment for a decade of economic growth in the UK were abandoned today, as the global financial crisis forced chancellor Alistair Darling to drastically ramp up public borrowing and raised the spectre of future tax hikes. Originally championed by Gordon Brown, as a panacea to the cycle of boom and bust, the fiscal rules have been quietly replaced with a new model which, Darling claims, will “provide the economic platform needed to restore confidence in the financial system.”

Darling said: “These are clearly exceptional times, in which the UK economy is being subjected to global forces which lay largely beyond our control. What Britain needs is space from the atmosphere of panic, to slowly restore the usual market processes which maintain sufficient liquidity in the system. Therefore, the first new fiscal rule is: ‘do not talk about the new fiscal rules’. The second new fiscal rule is: ‘do not talk about the new fiscal rules’. Are we clear?”

Conservative leader David Cameron began describing the new rules as “intellectually bankrupt and economically foolhardy”, before he was set upon and brutally beaten by Meat Loaf and an army of volunteer goons. Party spokespeople report his condition remains constructively critical.

King urges imaginary approach to financial crisis

2008-10-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

The Bank of England has estimated the credit losses suffered by global financial institutions could total a staggering £1.8 trillion in imaginary money, up sharply from its previous arbitrary guess. The banks, which spent the 90s lending huge amounts of cash they did not have, to borrowers who could not pay it back, are now in the grip of “the worst existential crisis since the great ‘meat balloon’ of the 1950s”, confirmed Bank of England chairman Mervyn King.

“The financial services sector has grown massively in the past 20 years, on the back of entirely imaginary money,” said King. “The more imaginary money it made, the happier its shareholders were and the more imaginary wealth filtered down into the general economy. Unfortunately, this encouraged a lot of people to look at how much imaginary money their bedsit was worth, get jobs which paid £50k a year to make imaginary things and then go out and spend that on real stuff, like rotating hub caps and smoothie makers from China.

“Fortunately though, many of the world’s most imaginative minds are hard at work imagining additional funds to plug this growing gap. The recent conjuration of £300 billion in the UK, for example, will allow the banks to begin lending again to those people who have lost their jobs.”

King concluded: “Fundamentally, the £1.8 trillion has not been lost – we’ve simply stopped believing in it. Therefore, we are today proposing a new global initiative to kick-start the system, under which everyone just closes their eyes and wishes really hard.

“Come on everyone… One… Two… Three!”

FROM THE ARCHIVE: Scandal deepens for “ungentlemanly” Osborne

2008-10-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

The child peer Lord George of Osborne has received a freshly bloodied nose, following further revelations surrounding his associations with notorious Slavic gadabout Oleg Deripaska. After dismissing initial claims that he had accepted several trinkets and gewgaws during a ride in the wealthy gentleman’s carriage as “scurrilous piffle”, his Lordship has been forced into a humiliating volte-face by the surprise intervention of a once firm acquaintance.

“These hidden arteries of the state, through which true power flows, are a matter necessarily reserved to those who must shoulder the burden of government,” wrote financier Nathanial Rothschild in a letter to the London Times. “His noble lordship would do well to remember that slapping the sow from whose teat we all suckle, as if she were a common strumpet and he the parish beadle, behoofs no-one."

However, seasoned Court commentator Nicholas DeRobinson, believes this fresh humiliation to be the consequence of the “pup Osborne’s foolish goading of a higher beast”.

“Oh yes, my boy,” commented DeRobinson. “I sense the dread claw of Cardinal Mandelson behind this day’s business and no mistake.”

While refusing to confirm such speculation outright, Cardinal Mandelson, lately returned from business with the king of Belgium, commented: “Not for I the prostitute rapier, nor the coarse musk of the pistol. No, my vengeance shall be of an altogether rarer hue. Mwahahaha!”

Breakthough heralds new age of harmony

2008-10-23T05:56:00.000-07:00

Scientists in Geneva have published the results of a decade-long study into the precise nature of the elusive ‘common sense’ particle. It has long been felt that, if properly understood, the particle could be used to make everybody see eye-to-eye on absolutely any question, however controversial.

Dr Stefan Bepasto, lead researcher at the CERN Social Physics Unit, said: “We had imagined the common sense particle was shaped a little like a sausage, but it’s actually more of a slightly convex ellipsoid – a Pringle or fashionable soup spoon, if you like.

“At its heart is a very dense clump of arrogance, which we already knew about, but which was making it difficult to see the smaller structures. We now know this emits highly energised waves of smugness, which cause it to vibrate in a particularly self-satisfied way. The core is then wrapped in a field of very fast-moving particles of belligerence and negatively charged intolerance, usually in roughly equal quantities.”

Although Dr Bepasto and his colleagues caution that we are still many years from a practical application for the particle itself, he is excited about some promising side-developments.

“Because of these findings, we now also know the BBC’s ‘Have Your Say’ website is, at most, six months away from forming a quantum singularity,” he said. “At this point, it can be harnessed to provide clean, sustainable power for as long as there are fucking idiots left in the UK.”

Calls grow louder for "more innocent" road safety regime

2008-10-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

A sharp increase in the number of accidents involving young cyclists has led to renewed calls for the national Cycling Proficiency Test to be scrapped and all road safety education to be restricted to over-15s.

Beginning with the iconic “stop-look-listen” campaign, the past four decades have seen an increasingly liberal approach to road safety information aimed at young people. And, despite a number of social factors which have also been blamed for the rise in casualties, politicians have faced a growing clamour to review the policy.

“We have some of the worst accident records in Europe,” argued Geoff Wurthers of pressure group Parents Against Pedals. “It’s typical of our broken society that the so-called ‘answer’ is to give kids more information about this tremendously fun – but potentially dangerous - activity. If I’ve learned anything about teenagers, it’s that they won’t indulge in any sort of risky activity without all the pertinent facts."

However, the proposals have proven deeply unpopular in some quarters.

Linda Phage, of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, said: “Without age-appropriate information on the importance of wearing a helmet and how to inflate your own tyre, our children will just get their information in the playground or from late-night Channel 4.”

MPs will vote on the proposals early next year, following a public inquiry into whether Charlie the Cat was responsible for a rash of fire-bombings in the mid-1970s.

Government advises struggling services sector

2008-10-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

The Department for Business, Trade and Regulatory Reform (BERR) has launched a pamphlet of helpful business advice, in response to widening concern over the financial prospects of the UK’s services industries.

The booklet begins: “Despite what you may have been told, the current uncertain commercial landscape does not represent a significant opportunity for you, nor does heightened competition among your client base make your service more valuable than ever.”

It then goes on to detail “specific and practical” steps for a number of business types, which may be struggling in an environment where many firms are reluctant to spend on non-essential services.

Management consultants should, for example, “take a strategic appraisal of their long-term commercial prospects, with a view to finding new synergies between their own corporate outlook and that of the Job Centre.”

It also advises against “confining creative individuals to arbitrary, task-based silos”, in favour of “exploring more flexible deployment of human capital – perhaps moving from purely knowledge-based roles to mopping up sick in a hospital.”

For PR professionals, the booklet extols an “exciting opportunity to re-align your businesses, to focus more on Playstation and very cheap wine,” while marketing strategists are prompted to, “re-assess your core brand values – you’ll probably find you no longer have any.”

A spokesperson for BERR commented on the launch: “There are times when you simply need to view each problem as a challenge – a chance to make your business stronger and more efficient. To be clear: this is not one of those times.”

Scout leaders hit back over "Woggle-gate"

2008-10-20T04:47:00.001-07:00

Scouting leaders have defended a controversial update to the range of proficiency badges available to UK cubs and scouts, following criticism they are taking the movement away from its founding principles. Long-standing skills, including semaphore, rope-splicing and orienteering, have been dropped in favour of a new list, which aims to be “more in line with the goals and challenges of modern scouting.”

Luke Masters, a 15 year-old from 12th Barnstable, who has just completed his ‘dogging’ badge as part of a pilot project, feels the changes will help make the scouting movement more relevant.

“Oh yeah, I’m always under loads of pressure to do sex with many anonymous naked ladies... Mostly models... And it’s so difficult to say no without seeming rude,” he mumbled.

Geoffrey Blanchard, leader of the 12th Barnstable pack, added: “People will be surprised by the changes, but the boys were very honest with us about the challenges they face and we felt it was important to respond to that.”

Other new badges include ‘coping with fame in the adult movie industry’, ‘ending a blood feud with an Afghan drug lord’ and ‘surviving in the vacuum of space’.

Those aged 12-to-18 will also receive practical advice on the most effective forms of contraception.

“We cover everything from condoms to IUDs and implants,” said Blanchard. “But, frankly, we’ve found the safest technique is telling prospective sexual partners you're a scout.”

Smith exposes laptop in latest data gaff

2008-10-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

A presentation by Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, to the Institute of Public Policy Research (IPPR) ended in chaos this afternoon, as Ms Smith discovered she had lost the laptop containing her speech notes. The event had been intended to announce Government plans for an ambitious new national database of all UK emails, telephone calls and web traffic, for the purpose of combating the terrorist threat.

However, a few moments after taking the podium, a visibly confused Ms Smith asked if anyone had seen the laptop, which is also believed to contain the intimate bathroom habits of every man, woman and child in the country, plus 15GB of poetry by the former Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott.

“There were a couple of awkward minutes while everybody checked under their chairs and behind the curtains,” said senior IPPR analyst Hugo Wolfblass. “Once it became obvious the laptop wasn’t there, Jaqcui said she’d better call the secret service and started patting herself like she was looking for a phone in her pocket.

“It was then that she realised she was absolutely bollock naked, at which point the speech was abandoned.”

A Home Office spokesperson later said: “Wherever she is now, I’m quite sure the Home Secretary has a perfectly good explanation for what happened today. As for the UK communications database, I would like to reassure the public that the suppliers responsible for developing the project are subject to rigorous contractual provisions around security. We also wholeheartedly believe our copy of said contract will be handed in to Lost Property any day now.”

Investor rage that bank rescue did not include medals for bravey, hand relief

2008-10-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

The Government has come under heavy fire, as disgruntled investors in HBOS and LloydsTSB learned that simply having lots of money does not constitute a guarantee of making lots more. Reacting angrily to the news that dividends may be frozen until at least 2012, the banks’ shareholder groups reportedly spent much of the morning screaming, rolling around on the floor and throwing away even their favourite toys.

“It’s not fair,” commented Gerald Cutmore, head of the Lloyds Shareholder Alliance, after he had calmed down and was ready to talk properly. “We received some lovely dividends while the bank was making all that money in securitised loans, so why not now? I mean, what’s the point of convincing the Government to fork over £15 billion in taxpayers' money to safeguard our investment if we’re not allowed to share in that success immediately? 2012 is ages.

“Don’t they know who we are? We’re the engine of the economy, for christ's sake."

Davis triumphant - country says "meh"

2008-10-14T07:59:00.000-07:00

David Davis held a triumphant press conference in his Howden constituency this morning, at which he announced that he felt “vindicated” by yesterday’s House of Lords defeat of the Government’s controversial 42-day detention proposals. Mr Davis, who resigned from the shadow cabinet in June of this year in protest against the proposals, thereby forcing a by-election which he went on to win, described how he was “happy to burn out a career for a success like that”.

Gregory Adams, a former constituent of Mr Davis’, who had participated in public demonstrations against both the 42-day proposals and the war in Iraq, commented: “I’ve taken all my money out of the bank and hidden it in my pants drawer, just in case Nationwide decided to move to Iceland or something. My job’s safe now, but who knows where we’ll be in six months. Thank goodness for Gordon Brown – he can save us.”

Mr Davis, a well-known libertarian, initially faced criticism from senior party officials, who were concerned that his apparent break from David Cameron would be seen as divisive. However, a swell of public support for his stance, combined with apparent indecision at Number 10 over whether to field a Labour candidate in the Howden by-election, ultimately helped the party’s polling.

Lucy Fennel, a humanities teacher at Howden College, who wrote to Mr Davis in November 2007, expressing her concern over the use of anti-terror legislation to restrict legitimate protest, added: “Have you seen how much a loaf of Hovis Best of Both costs now? £1.60! How am I meant to pay off my new TV, my credit card and take two foreign holidays next year? I can’t quite remember how we got into this mess, but I’m jolly glad Gordon Brown is around to save us. He’s so prudent.”

Financial crisis "really, really horrible" declares press

2008-10-13T06:08:00.000-07:00

The ongoing turmoil in world markets threatened to claim a new victim today, as the National Union of Sub-Editors confirmed it is in crisis talks with the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, over the shortage of hyperbole available for headlines. Despite reassurances over the past fortnight that the nation’s headlines were safe from the kind of linguistic inflation witnessed in the US and Japan, the union has revealed that, without a major injection of fresh invective, reserves will be exhausted within ten days.

“We obviously have a duty to make our headlines more dramatic as these big stories develop,” commented John McGregor, a senior sub-editor at The Scotsman. “But, with hindsight, I think we just started out too strong and didn’t plan for this kind of sustained misery. We simply haven't paced ourselves.”

McGregor’s front page headline in Saturday’s Scotsman – a large red, underlined “PANIC” – was seen by many in the industry as a turning point, as the Times followed suit with “JESUS FUCK!” and the Independent led with a crude drawing of the British Isles with a cock and balls.

Although the finer details of the rescue package have yet to be confirmed, sources close to the negotiations have said somewhere between five and ten new superlatives are to be made available to the media, with immediate effect. These are rumoured to include “Crambuster”, “Maxidoom”, “Burstingface”, “Jitterblast” and “Razor-legged”, though industry representatives are said to be pushing for fewer compound adjectives and more genuinely new and hard-hitting words.

Alison Myers, the Minister responsible for headlines and soft drinks, concluded: “We remain firm in our commitment that, however much longer this crisis plays out, no newspaper will be forced to scale back its rhetoric. If we reach a stage where words are simply inadequate, we still have some powerful images of the Prime Minister beating the hell out of Alistair Darling with a length of two-by-four.”

Service sector tries to remember GCSE woodworking

2008-10-10T05:03:00.001-07:00

The UK’s knowledge economy soiled itself this morning, after the FTSE index of 100 leading shares opened down over 400 points, heralding the end of free cash for useless people. Across the country, PR agencies, think tanks, web designers, events organisers and anyone whose job title ends with ‘analyst’ or ‘consultant’ simultaneously realised they no longer have any marketable skills and wondered where they would be able to buy 600 goats before the currency collapsed.

“I used to know how to make a little box by folding a sheet of A4, but I’ve forgotten,” commented Alex Farquhar, a systems capacity analyst from Watford. “My best shot is making pictures out of curly pasta and card, but the material costs are so high that I’d probably have to supplement that by letting a drug company inject experimental medicine into my face.”

Estate agent Barry Logan, however, is among a growing group in his industry who believe the accelerating economic decline could play to their advantage.

“We’ve basically had nothing to do for the past year, giving us a head start,” explained Logan. “Although I spent the first six months touching myself and playing Super Monkeyball on my iPhone, I’ve recently got quite good at making little collapsible footstools. I also got my hands on a job lot of garden hose and special weighted trousers. Reckon there could be a pretty big market for that sort of thing soon.”

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2008-10-08T01:58:00.000-07:00

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Iceland plans really big car boot sale

2008-10-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

Confidence in the global banking system was dealt a fresh blow today, when it was revealed that the six Icelandic banks seeking state debt guarantees own most of the UK. Despite having a population of just 218 and a currency based entirely on cod, the tiny Atlantic nation successfully borrowed sufficient capital to buy Birmingham, Cornwall, Fife and much of East Anglia during the late 1990s.

The Icelandic Government has moved quickly to calm fears that the more attractive parts of Britain will be sold to Spain, in an attempt to claw back some of the £27 trillion now owed to international financiers.

Icelandic Trade Secretary Bjork said: “Wheeeeeeeeeai! Thrill in the parade of One! Sparkle! In glorious phantoms and cream!”

Palin in bloody bear bout to beat Barack

2008-10-07T05:59:00.000-07:00

Spokespeople for the controversial Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin have confirmed that she is to wrestle several high-profile endangered species, beginning with a polar bear, for a special series of broadcasts to be screened between now an the US presidential election in November. The bouts will be fought to the death, in a bespoke cage in Ms Palin’s Alaska home.

Republican approval ratings rose sharply following the announcement, with a high percentage of middle class mothers identifying ‘strongly’ or ‘very strongly’ with Ms Palin’s decision to brawl with wild animals which could, hypothetically, eat their children.

Bradley Albacore, Palin’s personal trainer, noted the vice-presidential hopeful has been able to maintain a rigorous and highly targeted fitness regime, despite the gruelling demands of the campaign trail.

“Sarah’s going to have to stay in top shape for these bouts,” confirmed Albacore. “So we’ve been working together on both her physical and mental preparedness. The polar bear, for example, is immensely strong, with razor-sharp claws and the keen senses of a born hunter. Therefore, our attack strategies revolve largely around helping international oil companies destroy his natural habitat.

“Assuming she makes it through the first bout – and that’s by no means a foregone conclusion – she’ll be strangling an otter on Friday, before moving onto an albino Bengal Tiger next Wednesday. We’re thinking she’ll just rip out its heart and drink its blood on that occasion though.”

Johnson declares himself Queen, sacks Government

2008-10-03T03:27:00.000-07:00

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson has shocked political pundits by pronouncing himself “Queen of London” and sacking the Labour Government – a move described by Johnson himself as “constitutionally bold”. He then went on to establish an “Interim Protectorate”, which will handle the day-to-day running of the country “until the democratic process delivers a nice Conservative government.”

Both the European Union and the United Nations have condemned the move, while NATO has warned Mr Johnson to recall the battalion of Challenger tanks currently heading through the Channel Tunnel toward France.

Mr Johnson’s increasingly erratic behaviour has sharply divided the mainstream press. Today's Daily Express hailed a “revolution of common-sense, decency and old-fashioned values”, while The Guardian spontaneously vaporised itself in an a massive wave of righteous indignation, leaving only the crystalised husk of George Monbiot radiating white-hot rage.

Darling unveils new stability package

2008-10-02T05:33:00.000-07:00

Chancellor Alistair Darling has announced a bold new package of financial stimuli, aimed at supporting areas of the economy suffering knock-on effects from the crisis in the banking sector. Arriving hot on the heals of massive bail-out proposals from the Irish and US governments, the new measures would see MPs touring branches of Ladbrokes in their constituencies, handing out £20 notes to unsuccessful punters.

Junior Treasury minister, Ivor Cutler commented: “Nobody would deny that some poor decisions have been made, whether in sub-prime lending or betting the gas money on Flugelhorn Solo in the 4.30 at Musselburgh. However, we have a responsibility to limit the impact of these errors and have announced today’s measures to ensure stability in the wider economy.”

In addition to touring bookmakers, the £25 billion package will also cover:

The losses of anyone who bought Betamax, Minidiscs or an HD-DVD player.

The mortgage of anyone who bought a buy-to-let property in the past decade.

All childcare costs for individuals who couldn’t be bothered to dig out a condom that one time.

Mike Timpson, a retired town planner from Hull, commented on his £20 windfall: “That’s nice. I think I’ll put it on a horse.”

Research shocks furry bigots

2008-10-01T04:57:00.000-07:00

Scientists from York University have, today, released the findings of a major study into the genetic origins of common house mice from across Europe. As well as establishing a link between the migratory history of humans and rodents, the findings will be used in a special series of programmes for BBC2, aimed at tackling casual racism among British mice.

Benji Mouse, a common house mouse from Richmond, who participated in the first programme in the series, commented: “I’ve always seen myself as purely Mus musculus domesticus, British as the Union Jack. But it turns out there’s some Mus famulus in there and even some Mus mattheyi on my old mum’s side. At least that explains my brother Gary. Tight bastard.”

Dr Emilio Escargot, who co-authored the paper for the Royal Society, explained: “We’re not suggesting British mice shouldn’t be proud of their own tradition and culture - more that they should embrace the diverse mix of international influences which went into shaping it. Particularly in these uncertain economic times, racism is a growing problem among mice, many of whom believe they are only living in a dirty bin because all the swish council flats are going to Mus booduga families.”

BREAKING NEWS: House of Representatives picks really brilliant time to grow a pair

2008-09-30T05:08:00.000-07:00

The US House of Representatives dealt a major shock to the world financial markets yesterday, by deciding that government subsidies for mega-businesses were actually not very American after all.

Chase Brooks, a senior analyst with ratings agency Hawke & Slaier, commented: “I think there was an assumption that the US Government – based on everything it’s ever done up to this point – essentially viewed free market capitalism as a really great way of selling crap to poor countries. We never thought for a second that they actually believed in it. That would be crazy.”

However, Congressman Lance Rumburgh (R), moved quickly to counter accusations that he and his colleagues are merely pandering to an angry public ahead of November’s presidential elections.

“This isn’t electioneering – this is about what it means to be an American. The idea that the US Government should bail out private companies is patently absurd,” he said. “If we went down that road, we’d soon be pumping hundreds of billions into subsidies for US agriculture, textiles, steel, motoring, technology and energy, restricting the import of foreign goods and manipulating markets at the behest of our corporate paymasters.”

Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin called an emergency press conference, at which he laughed for 20 minutes, was heard to mutter “stupid commie bastards” and then left in a diamond helicopter full of whores.

"Sports fans" cry foul over volleyball fracas

2008-08-14T04:10:00.000-07:00

Millions of sports fans were left confused and a little guilty yesterday, after a tense beach volleyball match between Georgia and Russia ended with the four women exchanging verbal barbs over the ongoing conflict in their home countries.

“When beach volleyball players start arguing, that only means one thing to me,” commented Gary McNiven, a 27 year-old quantity surveyor from Fife. “Part of me expected them to start wrestling and spraying each other with energy drinks, but another part couldn’t stop thinking about the profound geo-political ramifications of resurgent Russian nationalism, and what it might mean for fledgling democracies in the Caucuses.

“It’s just a good job they didn’t have to be separated by a burly lifeguard.”

Drivers 'doing their best'

2008-08-08T03:04:00.000-07:00

Scotland's second largest bus drivers union, the Allied Carriage, Tram and Light Rail Workers Union, has hit back in the recent row with passengers groups. Faced with mounting criticism of 'rubbish' driving, shop steward Mickey Bell said drivers were 'doing their best' to provide the desired ride quality.

The current controversy has been rumbling for several months since the introduction of tram-related roadworks along many major routes in Edinburgh. Continual alterations to routes, temporary bus stops and tatty copies of free newspapers have really annoyed people. A spokesperson for the Passengers on Lothian and Edinburgh Buses organisation, which lacks a headquarters but does have a Facebook group, outlined their current stance: 'We realise that the trams will be good for us, and that many bus drivers will be out of work, but we don't just want cake tomorrow - we want cake today'. Asked whether that analogy really worked, the spokesperson put on a pair of white earphones and stared out of the window at the passing traffic.

Mr Bell said the ACTaLRWU was ready to talk to passengers, but not until they stopped swearing at drivers. 'It's not the yobs we're worried about, they've been around for a long time, even before the Grand Theft Auto series became popular.' What worries Bell is the fact that class apparently counts for very little in modern Edinburgh: 'One chap has taken to giving various drivers the finger as he steps off - it's done underarm, quite subtle really, but it has an affect. What's his problem, just cos we swerve in to the curve, stop-start a bit at the lights and once drove on before he had a chance to reach the door.'

Lothian Transport's Mary Meekle attempted to play down the row, suggesting these were isolated incidents: 'The actions of a few disgruntled passengers must not be allowed to tarnish the good

relations we have with our customers. Some drivers will be forcibly retired, although this will be done on an entirely voluntary basis. We have been talking to PLEBs in recent weeks and hope to find a resolution to their concerns'. Asked if she had a favourite bus route, or bus related movie, Miss Meekle started showing fellow passengers pictures of trees on her mobile phone.

iPhone “more interesting than talking to you”

2008-08-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

A survey of over 1,000 UK users of Apple’s second generation iPhone has revealed that around 93 per cent found the device “much more” or “somewhat more” interesting than talking to you.

Activities which rated particularly highly against talking to you were:

· Seeing if there are any wireless networks in range, then trying to guess the password.
· Zooming in and out of any old web page.
· Turning on the GPS, then saying “look! It knows where we are!”

Aaron Melville, lead researcher at Informatronics, which conducted the survey on behalf of women everywhere, commented: “Mmm… Mmm… Aha…Yeah… Do you want to see some photos of a tree? I’ve got portrait and landscape.”

A separate survey, released earlier in the week, also confirmed a direct correlation between the time remaining on a person’s existing mobile contract and their belief that all iPhone owners are antisocial losers.

Microsoft finds users to blame for Vista woes

2008-08-04T05:40:00.000-07:00

Microsoft has announced plans to follow up on the success of its 2007 launch campaign for Windows Vista – which drew attention to the operating system’s “wow” factors – with a second major advertising push. According to spokespeople at the Redmond giant, the new campaign will be aimed squarely at consumers and target some of the “misinformation” propagated by the company’s competitors.

Terry Smint, Microsoft’s regional product manager EMEA, said: “According to our own proprietary research, most people hate Vista, whether or not they’ve used it. Which got us thinking: if people who haven’t used Vista still hate it, the problem must not be the product, but people’s perceptions of it. Fortunately, I believe we can do something about that.”

After agreeing on this bold new tack, Microsoft’s marketing team set out on a highly secretive programme of demonstrations, in which ordinary users were given a short preview of an “experimental new operating system”, called “Mojave”.

“Our test subjects were free to do whatever they wanted with the rigorously tested, compatibility-checked demo machines running ‘Mojave’ - all under the helpful supervision of our Test Environment Enforcement Guides. Their reactions when we revealed they’d actually been using Vista the whole time were hilarious. Honestly – we all just stood around pointing at them and laughing.”

Having collated and analysed the data from its scientific testing process, Microsoft is now ready to go public with a tagline which, it hopes, will be every bit as successful as 2007’s “Wow”.

Smint concluded:“Our ‘Windows Vista Is Up To 8.4 per cent Less Shit Than People Who Haven’t Used It Before Think It Is’ campaign is really doing to draw a line under some of the mis-truths our competitors have been spreading. We’re the first to admit that yes, there were problems and yes, we’ve failed to compete effectively against our own products. But we’ve made great progress since launch and I’m pretty confident that a number of those coming to Vista today will be somewhat less disappointed with the experience.”

Need to know basis

2008-06-03T13:03:00.000-07:00

It's what they don't say that counts...

Hillary Clinton is due to reveal that Barak Obama has sufficient votes in the bag to seal the Democratic nomination in this long drawn out primary season. If rumours and reports are to be believed however she will not concede defeat to the Junior Senator from Illinois. She can't win, but why should that stop her fighting?

Remember Bill Clinton? He didn't have sexual relations with that woman (Monica Lewinsky). No, he just left a handful of stains on her blue dress.

Clinton cards are there for 'all your card and gift needs'. Which is handy, because I didn't know there was a Grandparents' Day until they invented it. And Christmas, that's another of theirs.

Fred Flintstone: when he ordered that big rack of ribs at the beginning of his weekly canned-laughter-inducing caveman reality show, did you ever see him call for help to pick the car up again? Not likely... Betty Rubble was in the trunk hiding from Wilma. It's not easy to find somewhere to hide when your best friend gets home and you're getting ready to do it diplodocus style with her hubby.

So Hils, what's it to be? Throw in the towel, or get your dress stained in a greetings card shop with some caveman?

Bow out in style I say - there's a spot on Saturday Night Live with your name on it.

A diplodocus, yesterday.

MPs buy Brown another week, celebrate by burning Magna Carta

2008-06-03T04:14:00.000-07:00

Senior Ministers have expressed confidence this morning that the Government will succeed in passing a new law, extending the detention without charge of terror suspects to 42 days. The marked change of mood followed several tense days, during which it seemed likely that a rebellion of around 50 Labour back-benchers would vote with the Conservatives to block the move.

Briefing journalists ahead of the key debate, one leading rebel explained: "There was an important principle here and I think we've made our point. But sacrificing the least popular Prime Minister on record, just to defend a centuries-old civil liberty, simply isn't a price we're willing to pay."

Publicly though, rebel MPs have fallen in behind Jacqui Smith's promise only to use the new powers "when we really want to".

"While there has never been a situation in which longer detentions would have helped an investigation, and despite widespread use of previous anti-terror powers to fight ordinary crime, this Bill is absolutely essential for national security", said Ms Smith in a statement yesterday. "The inability of police to construct a case which will stand up in front of a judge mustn't be allowed to get in the way of Justice."

Class war "an irrelevance" claim very posh men

2008-05-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

Senior Conservatives have reacted angrily to an apparent return to “class war” tactics in the increasingly bitter Crewe by-election, after Tamsin Dunwoody’s campaign team distributed a leaflet portraying Tory candidate Edward Timpson as a top hat-wearing, silver spoon-sucking toff.

Lord Arligton, shadow minister for catteries and children, said: “This kind of tactic is an irrelevance in modern British politics. The warmth with which the Great British Public has embraced the shadow cabinet is proof positive that the class war is over. The fact that we all went to Eton, enjoy punting and sometimes accidentally call Theresa May ‘Matron’ is of absolutely no interest to voters.

“We are listening to the people, and what they care about is policy, not whether grandpapa was a Lord Admiral. Our calls for extra tuck on Wednesdays and a moratorium on towel-flicking – pending studies on its long-term effects – have struck a real chord.”

Although Ms Dunwoody was unavailable for comment on the controversy, a senior Labour Party figure has hinted that Gordon Brown is on the offensive, proposing to “fuck it all” and “re-nationalise everything as fast as we can”.

The loneliest highway - re-thinking an American legend

2008-05-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

With Seattle’s ACME Inflatable Art Gallery(TM) set to host a retrospective of botanical drawings by Wile E Coyote, Mel Stanford examines the troubled life behind the infamous public persona.

From 1949 to the mid-1990s, Wile E Coyote was the sole protagonist in an unpopular and apparently doomed campaign to rid the New Mexican Highway – a critical trade link between North and South America – of reckless and smug birdlife.

Though originally backed with grants from the federal government, Coyote’s high-profile lack of success led to a withdrawal of funding in 1955. From this point, the considerable expense of acquiring anvils, TNT, high speed tonic, invisible paint, various jet-propelled vehicles (pogo sticks, roller-skates and unicycles), wigs, artificial rocks, birdseed and dehydrated boulders was met entirely from his own pocket (and support from his life-long benefactor, the ACME corporation).

Having struggled for 40 years with chronic manic depression, Coyote’s few close friends insist his obsessive devotion to work was the only way he felt able to keep his personal demons in check. In a 2002 interview with Rolling Stone, long-time confidant Marvin ‘the Martian’ Rubens, confirmed: “At times, it was like he was running on thin air, only held up by his belief in the chase. If he slowed down, or took his eye off the ball – even for a second – he’d be in freefall.”

The turning point came in 1995, when Coyote’s long-suffering wife finally admitted a 20-year affair with celebrated outdoorsman Elmer Fudd (which, despite both being in the public eye, they had managed to keep vewy, vewy quiet) and left him with what little remained of their shared wealth.

Cut loose from the one stable influence in a life of cruel near-misses and frustrated ambition, Coyote fell into a spiral of drug abuse and increasingly bizarre pest-control techniques, which culminated in his tragic death aboard an invisible atomic steel carrot.

Initially a source of great amusement among those who had always scorned his quixotic struggle, Coyote’s death has, in time, led to a more sober reappraisal of his life and work. As well as the botanical drawings, his scholarly work on the structural safety of rocky overhangs has found new relevance in the battle against coastal erosion.

Perhaps most ironically, Coyote’s passing may also have secured the victory he so desperately sought in life. Having grown accustomed to the enormous piles of grain he habitually used as bait – in addition to tit-bits discarded by tourists attracted by his escapades – the roadrunner population lost the ability to gather its own food and is now listed as an endangered species.

Stop and Smell The Flowers opens at the ACME Inflatable Art Gallery(TM), Seattle, on Monday 16 June

Veneer: real disease

2008-05-19T05:13:00.000-07:00

Apple giveth and Apple taketh away: they bring to the world products that work most of the time, make you feel good and are well worth the money. How is all this possible? The veneer of creativity!

Creative checking of emails, creative viewing of RSS feeds and websites and the creative wasting of time.

Well, I'm sick of it. I don't need to be creative in those activities - I'd rather be uncreative, but at least outside in the sodding fresh air and sunshine! Enough, be gone you wifi with your mostly-functioning link to the outside world... I can see the outside world with my own eyes. It's through the window. OUTSIDE.

Pah, just watch me.

Tea's Up

2008-05-19T04:01:00.000-07:00

Media Release (AnTea 2008.05.19)

TEA IDENTIFIED AS SYMBOL OF IMPERIALIST YOKE: CAMPAIGN LAUNCHED TO THROW OFF AUSTRALIA'S NATIONAL SHACKLES

Australian National Tea Eradication Assembly

Canberra / Monday 19 May, 2008

___

Australian academics have announced preliminary findings from a multi-disciplinary study into the effects of tea drinking on the nation's society and culture. Long considered a staple of community interaction, this research turns many preconceptions on their head in a clash between common sense and proper work that took lots of effort.

When asked to choose from a list of possible emotions, the majority of tea drinkers claimed the beverage produced feelings of 'warmth', 'comfort' and 'tastiness'. The fourth option, 'giddiness', was a distant fourth except among stereotypical Dutch contributors.

In an open question, the survey also asked respondents to say what they felt tea had brought to Australian culture since its introduction by Kerry Packer in 1987 to celebrate Fremantle's hosting of the America's Cup. Younger people liken tea to familiar experiences that they can share with friends and family. Examples include:

soap operas
sports team
family pets
family holidays
book clubs
breakfast cereal
warm hugs

Older respondents displayed typical symptoms of those for whom tea is a relatively recent introduction to their lives. They remember an older, more primitive Australia, with tea linked to:

corrupt politicians
Ned Kelly ("he put one over on the English")
losing family members to spiders and sharks
nearly losing family members to sharks
whatever it was we used to drink

Both of these symptoms were said to be worrying, according to lead scientist Rev. Prof. Michael A. Fiest. In a statement to accompany the preliminary report's publication he said: "Hopefully our work will begin the process of turning people away from tea drinking. We have consulted widely through this great nation's communities, educational establishments, politics and some trendy coffee shops - now is the time for politicians to act."

Key findings from the report include some damning indictments on today's tea drinkers, revealing for the first time that:

making tea is a waste of time: your time, my time, everyone's time
water is much nicer and easier to prepare
with less paraphernalia and expense
and washing up
remembering to offer tea when people come round is a drag; it's better to turn down the offer when you're at their house so you're not obliged to do the same when they come round
paradoxically, making tea is far too easy for folk in coffee shops to make: it's just adding hot water to a cup with a tea bag in, better to have some hot chocolate
these findings are not just restricted to tea - coffee's not even very tasty
leaving tea to go cold is an unfortunate, yet inevitable by-product of making the drink on a regular basis - the results are still going to be disappointing
some people get the shakes after drinking tea, which isn't helpful or funny
Earl Grey tastes of flowers
if you're the one doing the washing up, what are you supposed to do with a tea bag left in the cup when it's soaking wet and your hands are covered in bubbles?

The most damning part of the report concerns the role of the United Kingdom government in forcing tea on Australian society. A clause in the Commonwealth of Australia legislation, enacted on 1 January 1901, demanded that Australia's states and territories support the work of the Honourable East India Company. A quirk of British bureaucracy meant that the Company's name could be used during the lifetime of Queen Victoria, who signed the death notice of the spice importer in 1858. Had she died 22 days earlier, and thus predated Federation, the clause would have been scrubbed from the legislation.

Instead, the British government placed pressure on Packer to introduce tea to the country, tying a nation to its addictive effects. Asked if this was similar to the Opium Wars of the 19th century, Rev. Prof. Fiest said that was "taking it a bit far", it was more like "British tea suppliers crashing our party and selling us stuff that's actually turned out to be quite popular".

A representative from the Western Australian government said it was deeply regrettable that the memory of the America's Cup should be sullied in this way: "Just as we use Vegemite to fight the Brits and their awful Marmite, so we shall take on their tea culture!" No further details were available on what might be pitted against UK tea, although declining capacity in the country's river system suggests a dramatic response is not far away. Experts have suggested it may coincide with publication of the full report.

For further information, contact Crystal Tips: ct@notformethanksnotlikely.com.au

___

Message ends

BREAKING NEWS: Boris "not as funny since he won" complain Londoners

2008-05-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

The credibility of London’s mayoral system suffered a major blow this afternoon, as Boris Johnson was pushed from office only a few days after winning the capital’s top job. Having tired of gritty, sweary everyman Ken Livingstone less than a week ago, Londoners have now given bumbling, foppish aristocrat Johnson his marching orders and appointed an hilarious, wine-swilling, accident-prone Frenchman, simply known as Monsieur Fromage.

However, despite having won a considerable majority, Fromage’s position is apparently already under threat, from a brightly-coloured piece of tinsel which has become caught in the branches of a tree in Hyde Park.

UN demands action over meme crisis

2008-05-06T05:47:00.000-07:00

The United Nations issued an urgent plea today, following an emergency meeting of the Security Council, calling for action from all developed nations to alleviate the shortage of memes which has already devastated large portions of the internet.

“If you’d told me last August that people would still be making LOLcats in May 2008, I would have laughed. Out loud”, commented Richard McGoggin, lead researcher at web monitoring firm, InSite Analytics. “But I don’t think anyone could have predicted how quickly things would change.

“The references just became too insular and weird. This was fine in a strong market, where casual consumers are easily intrigued, but as the market has matured, there’s been a real sense of… well.. boredom. Boredom and anger.”

The shortage, which has its roots in the US but has spread quickly worldwide, has been most keenly felt in b3ta.com and boingboing.net, where all foreign bloggers have been ejected and pirate hats, ninja throwing stars and “cheezburgers” are reportedly being rationed.

Brock Louche, the UN special rapporteur on memes, said: “While we have seen similar challenges in the past, the current crisis has been exacerbated by the failure of several weak memes over the past six months.

“Using flow charts to explain things you wouldn’t normally use them to explain seemed like a good idea to start with, but then everyone got distracted by pie charts, which was really a dead end.

"A lot of people have turned to illustrating news stories using Lego men. No civilised society would call that a meme and it saddens me deeply to see it."

The UN statement follows strong criticism of the Western democracies, over their response to the crisis. To date, the UK and France have donated just 5,000 unicorns, of a promised 45,000, while the United States has not yet made any headway on its pledge to air-drop 150,000 banjo-playing polar bears.

“While hopelessly outdated, even these memes would make a real difference in the short term”, concluded Louche. “But we need to begin thinking about the longer term. Unless we can secure a reliable supply of new memes, literally millions will be forced to make jokes other people can understand. I, for one, don’t ever want to see that.”

Jade 2.0 (Roald Dahl would be proud)

2008-04-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

Think ye back to January 2007: television had eaten itself whole when Jade Goody graduated from Yokel Big Brother to its Celebrity spin off, before being regurgitated for our viewing displeasure. Fortunately the United Kingdom of Great Braindrain and Northern Irony appears to have exported at least part of the problem - Jade's rehabilitation has focused on visiting those parts of the world where they took to burning effigies. (It remains to be seen whether budgetary cutbacks will thwart her attempts to placate the rest of the cosmos.)

Back to media auto-cannibalisation... I'm all for the beautiful coming together of media old and new, but it's gone a little far when not one, not three, but two contributors to today's Today blog about it within hours. Good for them, good for those of us who didn't pick up the range of colourful tweets that surely, surely accompanied their appearances.

The blog posts are informative, they move the debate on and develop the topic for their readers, but where will this end? If a playwright appeared on Today would he pen a scene to commemorate the occasion? If an English gentleman indulged in some online porn would he later regale his wife with a blow by blow account? We'll be discussing whether violent games turn children into nasty little buggers next.

___

The Roald Dahl thing: are these people The Twits? Or is that reserved for Ronnie O'Sullivan?

RDR's woes deepen, as Rowling joined by more wronged celebs

2008-04-18T06:34:00.000-07:00

Lawyers for the millionaire children’s author JK Rowling have confirmed that fellow novelist, Agatha Christie and the legendary Mongol warlord, Ghengis Khan have joined Rowling to bring a class action suit against RDR books, the American publisher behind “The Harry Potter Lexicon”.

“While investigating the extent of RDR’s infringement, we were shocked to discover that Ms Rowling is far from the only victim here,” read the statement. “The Getaway guide to Agatha Christie’s England and Dateline Mongolia are undisguised and clumsy attempts to capitalise on valuable brand recognition of legitimate rights holders.

“Through repeated references to my client’s swift and bloody conquest of 13th Century Asia, Dateline Mongolia is clearly hoping to imply some sort of association or endorsement. Its florid description of Mr Khan’s crushing of the of the Kara-Khitan Khanate – which, after all happened hundreds of years ago – adds absolutely nothing new and is, basically, theft.”

Khan’s participation in the suit appears to be part of a wider strategy to crack down on unauthorised use of his intellectual property. Just last month, the warlord’s lawyers successfully enforced a fiercely disputed patent, covering the practice of “drinking the blood of an enemy, devouring his cattle and / or, using his women.”

Meanwhile, press speculation that Christie would either join with Rowling, or bring her own action against RDR reached a climax during an interview published in yesterday’s Wall Street Journal, in which she described Christie’s England as a “fucking travesty” and its author as a “shit-wagon”.

SHOWBIZ NEWS: "Mars" star Glennister confirmed for new spin-off

2008-04-16T01:37:00.000-07:00

Actor Phillip Glennister has confirmed he will return to the role of DCI Gene Hunt, the hard-bitten copper with a heart of gold, for a third incarnation of the BBC’s popular Life on Mars franchise. Due to be filmed later this year, for broadcast in Spring 2009, the new series will see Glennister paired with Barbara Windsor, playing a forensic pathologist who, a week before retirement, suffers a near-fatal accident with a pipette and is catapulted into the year 2038.

The BBC has been keen to keep the plot of the series secret, though sources close to the production team have suggested that about 90% of the locations used for filming would be “non period-specific former industrial land” with a soundtrack of “mostly German techno”.

Keeley Hawes, star of the show’s previous outing, Ashes to ashes, is said to make a brief appearance in the first episode, in which she saves Manchester by piloting an out-of-control spaceship into the sun.

OPINIO-TRON SAYS: Virgin Media not so innocent, demands coin for booty

2008-04-14T05:02:00.000-07:00

After last week's idle speculation about the future of net neutrality in the UK, it's nice to see Virgin Media's incoming chief exec, Neil Berkett, advancing the debate with this little PR gem, in which he describes the concept of a level and fair internet as "a load of bollocks". The story originally comes from the Royal Television Society’s magazine, which I haven't seen, but if the quotes are accurate, this is pretty bad news.

Among the other choice morsels highlighted from the piece is a threat to bump any content producers who don't pay up into "bus lanes". Predictably iPlayer seems to be the main target of his ire.

So this will surely be the start of an almighty dust-up. Right?

Not necessarily. Assuming Mr Berkett can keep a lid on his corporate Tourette’s, this is going to be an easy sell for the ISPs...

Virgin Media and the BBC have announced a partnership project, to deliver a next generation media internet to UK homes by 2010. Using intelligent technology, to give greater internet bandwidth to popular multi-media services, the companies claim users will enjoy higher definition, more reliable content on demand.

Neil Berkett, Virgin Media's chief executive, said: "Exciting new web services, such as the BBC's groundbreaking iPlayer, currently have to compete for limited bandwidth with other, less speed-sensitive web traffic. By intelligently identifying and prioritising different kinds of traffic, web users will enjoy a more efficient, transparent service."

It really could be that simple. After all, we've shown time and time again that we'll always chose short term low cost and convenience over some woolly principle. Particularly when the principle in question has an icky name like "net neutrality".

Of course, the practical consequences of such a surrender would hit home pretty quickly. Superior but un-established new services, confined to Berkett's "bus lane", would be at an artificial competitive disadvantage. So, we'd simply stop getting those market-disrupting new players which have injected real innovation and competition into so many stale markets over the past decade. At the very least, new internet ventures would need to generate revenue almost from Day 1, which would be a pretty fundamental change (I believe for the worse).

As we're also seeing with Phorm, the ISPs are desperate to dig themselves out of the "higher speeds at lower prices" hole they've made for themselves, by using access to their own customer base as commercial leverage.

Let's hope we care enough about this to vote with our feet.

Update:24 hours later, The Register is carrying a story, quoting a Virgin Media flack as saying the company doesn't intend to penalise non-paying sites. However, "we recognise that as more customers turn to the web for content, different providers will have different needs and priorities and, in the long term, it's legitimate to question how this demand will be managed."

Just so we're clear then - giving the big boys a faster pipe is not the same as bumping the plebs into the "bus lane".

Phoof. Didn't see that coming.

BREAKING NEWS: Bank of England lowers interest rates to 5%

2008-04-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

In a move which sent shockwaves through absolutely nowhere, the Bank of England's Monetary Policy Committee lowered UK interest rates by a quarter of a percentage point today. The announcement was met by immediate ambivalence in the money markets, with many of the UK's high street banks doing absolutely nothing.

Mervyn King, Governor of the Bank of England, defended the committee's largely symbolic monthly meetings as "a lovely old tradition" which "harks back to days gone by, when interest rates had the slightest impact on the cost of borrowing."

This latest rates drop is part of a scheduled series of themed events in the capital, which will culminate next week with Alistair Darling standing on top of the London Stock Exchange, pissing in the wind.

World sleeps easy as ownership of precious stripes finally settled

2008-04-10T02:57:00.000-07:00

Local authorities across the UK have been ordered to pay millions of pounds in damages and backdated licensing costs, after losing a landmark case to the sports and fashion manufacturer Adidas. The ruling in the European Court of Justice ends several years of wrangling, over whether Adidas’ distinctive “three stripe” branding could be extended to cover designs using two stripes.

Frances Bruckenbauer, a partner at specialist intellectual property (IP) law firm Comely, Stern & Festoon, which represented the fashion giant, commented on the victory: “This was the only decision the court could have reached over such flagrant abuse of my client’s brand rights. For decades, the UK has been generating significant revenue from charging motorists for parking in premium roadside locations, identified by clearly derivative double-stripe branding.”

As well as being ordered to pay damages and license fees in the region of £300 million, councils now face an estimated £2.5 million bill for removing and replacing the infringing road marks.

Brian Clapton, a spokesperson for the Local Government Association, said he regretted the court’s decision, but welcomed the opportunity to review the UK’s policies on parking restriction.

“We have felt for some time that the current system is overly negative for today’s Britain”, he said. “Rather than stipulating those areas where motorists cannot park, we will begin marking approved parking spaces, with an easily recognisable rounded tick motif.”

The judgement could also set a precedent for other similar cases, currently in the pipeline, in which Adidas is seeking punitive damages against zebras, wasps and rainbows.

OPINIO-TRON SAYS: iPlayer points to two-tier UK internet

2008-04-09T05:48:00.000-07:00

It looks like the debate over net neutrality, which has been raging in the US for some time, is set to waft politely into the UK. For the uninitiated, the central question in this fracas is whether ISPs should be allowed to charge content producers for a ‘fast lane’ in today’s increasingly crowded internet.

The ideological answer from internet purists is an emphatic “no”. Giving priority to traffic from specific sources would, it is argued, create a two-tier experience, in which ordinary users are driven into the clutches of Big Media, at the expense of new players. This doesn’t sit well with the idea of the open, indiscriminate internet we have grown to love.

Perhaps inevitably though, such egalitarianism has stubbed its toe on the footstool of commercial practicality.

In the UK, this has taken the form of the BBC’s hugely popular iPlayer TV streaming service, which saw 1 million people downloading 3.5 million programmes in its first month. iPlayer has put a massive and sudden strain on the UK’s already decrepit broadband infrastructure, which industry regulator OFCOM predicts will cost in the region of £830 million to upgrade.

But competition is squeezing the ISPs’ profit margins and there is a growing resentment that they should have to carry the significant cost of transmitting content from a state-funded producer. Also, as consumers, we’ve grown used to broadband which offers ever higher speeds at ever decreasing cost.

All of which presents us with something of a pickle: the ISPs won’t (and arguably can’t) pay for iPlayer’s bandwidth requirements, while consumers are unlikely to tolerate a reverse in falling broadband costs.

That really only leaves one option: the Beeb. But why should the BBC – and, by extension, payers of the mandatory TV license fee – pay for bandwidth which could also be used by 4OD, YouTube, Joost and the organisation’s other potential competitors?

Senior figures at BT are already talking publicly about the creation of a Content Delivery Network (CDN) in the UK, under which large pieces of high-demand content would be stored in (and distributed from) regional “nodes”, thereby limiting the strain on the country’s broadband backbone. Charging the BBC for space on a CDN seems like the obvious solution to their mutual problem: all the reserved bandwidth iPlayer demands, plus a much-needed new revenue stream for BT.

Which brings us back to net neutrality.

Our hunger for bandwidth is only going to get greater as more content moves online and into high definition. While the economics of content production may currently allow us to download TV for little or no cost, this is arguably being subsidised by spiralling overheads for the ISPs, which have become a de-facto distributor. It is hard to see how this can continue, but equally hard to envisage a solution in which the content producers don’t end up paying for preferential treatment.

UK net sex pests face terrifying trust-based monitoring

2008-04-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has today announced a new scheme to register the email addresses and online identities of all UK sex offenders. These lists will be checked against the records of social networking sites and other potential targets, to safeguard children and other legitimate internet users.

Failure to provide accurate addresses, or withholding other online details, could result in a lengthy prison sentence.

"Sex offenders are, by their very nature, terrified of breaking the law", gloated Smith. "They are also infamously rubbish at making up false identities for themselves, particularly in the secure, verifiable environment of the internet. This law is flawless."

Terrance Guppie is a reformed sex offender, who now works in prisons to help rehabilitate recent convicts.

"This new law will really make people think twice", agreed Guppie. "Imagine I spent a couple of minutes getting a completely anonymous email address, which I used to join a social networking site, before befriending, grooming and horribly defiling a teenage girl. If she then ratted me out to the police, I'd be in so much trouble over that unregistered email."

In other news, one of the busiest commuter lines from the capital was brought a halt this afternoon, when satire threw itself under the 17:45 at Cricklewood.

Business "just too good" complain banks

2008-04-03T01:40:00.000-07:00

First Direct has become the latest high street bank to withdraw its range of mortgage products from the market, citing the "huge popularity of and enthusiasm for crippling debt".

The bank has moved quickly to reassure its existing customers that its popularity - rather than the bankrupt global system of inter-bank lending - is the reason for today's move.

"The real problem is that we simply can't give out money quickly enough", First Direct's chief executive, Chris Pilling told the BBC this morning. "So we've decided to stop lending entirely until we can widen the doors in our branches. Before someone gets hurt."

As the 'real economy' impact of the credit crunch bites deeper, First Direct is the latest in a string of UK banks and building societies to be overwhelmed by a groundswell of consumer optimism.

"I believe that running to keep up with customer demand is an enviable position for any business to be in", concluded Pilling. "Now, do you know if the newsagent round the corner opens late? I need some change for the bus."

Darling advocates economic benefits of unending, joyless toil

2008-03-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

Alasdair Darling has announced sweeping changes to the UK's taxation system, in his first budget as Chancellor, which will see punative charges levvied against all forms of fun. Having previously hinted that the duty on nicotine and alcohol would be raised at above-inflationary rates, there were gasps from the back benches as the Chancellor explained how this would be extended to activities including going to the park, wearing brightly-coloured hats and tickling babies by 2010.

"Uncertainty in the global financial markets, combined with slower consumer spending in the latter half of 2007/2008, means we're all just going to have to stop dicking around and focus for a bit", said darling. "Do you really think the Chinese are having fun? Of course they're not."

Perhaps the most controversial measure is the imposition of a £20 charge for those wishing to indulge in sexual intercourse. It is still unclear whether the charge will be levvied on a per-emmission basis or simply per-session. There will, however, be an exemption for those who can produce written confirmation, signed by the other party, that the encounter was "guilty, furtive and hateful".

The move received guarded approval from Shadow Chancellor George Osborne, who nonetheless drew paralells between the "fun tax" and the Tories' own plans to give cohabiting couples a financial incentive to marry.

"Get your filthy science away from our Jesus", bellow furious villagers

2008-03-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

Christian leaders are up in arms at the news that a well-known group of committed evolutionary scientists had established its own religion, dubbed Rightism. The group, led by Reverend Professor Ralf Finkheimer, reacted strongly to the criticism, denying claims that the Rightists was simply trying to bring the scientific process into church by the back door.

“The church needs to accept that there is room for many different faiths in the world”, said Finkheimer in a statement. “Our children should be presented with all of the alternatives and allowed to decide for themselves.

“The bible presents us with one story to explain the history of the universe, certainly, and that’s a matter of faith. But Billy, the Magic Quantum Singularity, provides us with another, equally compelling and valid explanation.”

Although many of the group’s detractors have observed that its belief system owes a great deal to well-established scientific theories, including the Big Bang and evolutionary biology, Finkheimer remains adamant that Rightism is a legitimate religion.

“Our beliefs have absolutely no evidential basis whatsoever”, he confirmed. “If we were dealing in science, this could all be tested and disproved, but we’re not, so they’re just going to have to live with it.”

Celebrity Rightists include Lindsay Lohan, Nicholas Cage and Giant Haystacks.

Surely Shum Mishtake

2008-03-09T01:00:00.000-08:00

The Guardian has a secret crush on Fake Steve Jobs, the way you do an old school or university friend - not something to shout about, but who's to suspect your interest if you casually mention them in conversation? It seems The Observer, their sister paper of a Sunday, hasn't been invited to the love-in. 50 powerful blogs they list and no mistake.

Blog Power = Voltage X Current (the acerbic quotient of the author X the relevance of their subject matter)

Blog Power (also) = Work / Time (the power to waste your time reading the same thing on ten feeds / the amount of work you should be doing)

50 blogs, but no Fake Steve - how d'you like them apples? This must be what happens when half the staff go to Austin for SXSW while the rest stay up to cover the cricket from New Zealand. A rear-guard action from the regular team (who have to churn out six papers in a week, not just the one) could restore the imbalance, but they've cunningly left it to the readers to fill in the blanks and thus preserve office relations.

Fake Steve invented the iPod, and yes we have heard of it... but he's not worth arguing with your colleagues over, eh.

Ageing gamers given a bleak vision of the future

2008-03-05T05:11:00.001-08:00

Computer gamers in their late twenties and early thirties were given a stark warning recently, when they were soundly thrashed by their 10 year-old nieces on Wii Sports. The resulting awareness of their own mortality was particularly acute for those who initially declined to play on the grounds that they are “quite competitive in games and it wouldn’t be fair”.

Eye-witnesses reported a complete inability to simultaneously move with the nunchuck while aiming with the remote, accompanied by growing frustration at being told that: “it’s easy when you get the knack of it”.

Barry Davidson, who recently completed Silent Hill 3 in just over three hours, said: “It was really interesting to experience a totally new control paradigm. For someone like me, who is used to interfacing with games in quite an abstract way, the level of direct control offered by the Wii represents a very significant learning curve.

“At the end of the day though, I just can’t fucking believe I got owned by my niece. I’m basically as good as dead.”

10 year-old Emily Davidson added: “Look uncle Barry! I beat you again! I won!”

Research shows Mac users really are laughing at you

2008-03-05T04:44:00.001-08:00

Actual proper scientific research has revealed Mac users are 82 per cent more likely to be “smug, rich and style-obsessed” than users of Windows PCs. The shock findings also confirmed that those who buy Apple products do so simply to annoy everyone else, rather than for their own benefit.

Prof Marcus Dunwoody, a real scientist with his own lab-coat and busen burner, explained: “We found that Mac owners were prepared to pay more for computers which don’t crash, are effectively immune from viruses and boast iconic industrial design. Furthermore, they often brazenly present Mac-ownership as a solution to those suffering from the shoddy security, poor performance and usability problems associated with marginally cheaper Windows PCs.”

But the tables are set to turn on the “hairstyled, pesto-eating Macistas”, according to Dunwoody.

“Just because the Mac platform has not had a single notable virus problem in 25 years should not be an excuse for complacency”, he cautioned. “It beggars belief that Mac users aren’t loading their systems up to the eyeballs with bloated anti-virus and anti-spyware applications, to guard against this hypothetical threat. With so many fashion-conscious designer gays inflating the Mac’s market share, it’s surely only a matter of time before the platform comes onto the radar of cyber criminals.

“We’ll see who’s laughing then. Bastards”, he concluded.

Ballmer slammed over “Vista Acquainted” debacle

2008-03-03T05:49:00.000-08:00

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has been under sustained fire this week, following his acknowledgement that new PCs marketed as “Vista Acquainted” may not have met the expectations of some customers. However, he went on to defend the Redmond giant’s decision to certify such low-spec machines as “a question of choice”.

“We want to ensure as many homes and offices as possible have the opportunity to experience the ‘Wow’ of Windows Vista”, said Ballmer. “So, for Vista Acquainted PCs, running less than 3Gb of memory, there is a new streamlined ‘performance’ mode, which includes an intuitive textual interface and contemporary two-colour design. Vista’s ‘performance’ environment is also highly customisable, through the config.sys and autoexec.bat files and will boot on almost any machine in a matter of minutes. Wow!”

However, Alice Hooper of technology analysts Garter is less than convinced by Microsoft’s defence: “As well as being more than somewhat reminiscent of Leopard’s iText feature, Vista ‘performance’ mode smacks of a poorly-executed, marketing-led afterthought. It’s also far from intuitive. I mean, ‘Retry’ I understand, but what’s the difference between ‘Abort’ and ‘Fail’?”