There was trouble in Westminster today, as the main thermostat control at the Home Office malfunctioned, causing the temperature to rise to uncomfortable levels. Interns and policy advisers were forced to take regular showers to cool off, while other senior civil servants complained their regulation office-wear felt “so tight”.
The situation was only brought under control several hours later, following the arrival of South African HVAC engineer, Dominick Stullion.
Said Stullion: “When I arrived, there were several young women – from the counter-terrorism team, I think – towelling off their soft golden hair and moisturising one another. I reassured them straight away that I’d brought just the right tool for the job, but that just seemed to make them more agitated. It was all quite awkward, to be honest.”
This is the third time the building's heating and ventilation system has failed this year. The problems are being blamed on the installation last summer of a large open fire, hot tub and sauna.
Monday, 30 March 2009
Friday, 27 March 2009
Balls: "We're only as clever as our thickest thicky"
Following shocking reports that UK science pupils are unable to differentiate between a microscope and a telescope, the Government has announced a campaign to raise standards across the board, by judging all sections of society by their least worthwhile member.
From today, it will be assumed that all women smoke while pregnant and are unable to drive, that men are rapists who are incapable of wiping their bottoms properly and all ethnic minorities smell weird and want to blow us up.
Sally Brittle, a sixth-form student at Greenfields School in High Wickham, said: “I put months of round-the-clock study into my GCSEs, including my A-star in physics. But I guess if Luke Clarke in 11C has spent the past two years melting biros over a Bunsen burner, my qualifications are basically worthless.”
Ed Balls, Secretary of State for children, schools and families, commented: “Under the new rules, I’m a corrupt, incompetent, alcoholic, greedy sex pest. Am I happy about it? No. But we live in a meritocracy. I looked that up in a dictionary, and this is what that means.”
From today, it will be assumed that all women smoke while pregnant and are unable to drive, that men are rapists who are incapable of wiping their bottoms properly and all ethnic minorities smell weird and want to blow us up.
Sally Brittle, a sixth-form student at Greenfields School in High Wickham, said: “I put months of round-the-clock study into my GCSEs, including my A-star in physics. But I guess if Luke Clarke in 11C has spent the past two years melting biros over a Bunsen burner, my qualifications are basically worthless.”
Ed Balls, Secretary of State for children, schools and families, commented: “Under the new rules, I’m a corrupt, incompetent, alcoholic, greedy sex pest. Am I happy about it? No. But we live in a meritocracy. I looked that up in a dictionary, and this is what that means.”
Monday, 23 March 2009
FROM THE ARCHIVES: One more zebra-legged angel in heaven tonight
Charlie “Lord” Bunsenby, the celebrated proprietor of many of Britain’s best-loved travelling curiosities, has announced the tragic death of his most popular performer, Bartholomew the Zebra-Legged Boy.
The news follows several weeks of intense public concern and compassion, which manifested itself in the form of large crowds, gathering to watch Bartholomew gasp and grimace on a specially constructed platform in Trafalgar Square.
Among those anxious to pay their final respects to Bartholomew was Elspeth Chrome, a mother of nine from Chipping Sodbury.
“He’s been so very brave, letting everybody share his final, agonising moments,” she said. “It must be so terribly hard for him – almost as hard as it is for us. So we have to keep watching. He can’t be brave if nobody’s watching.”
Vesuvius Bloom, another admirer, added: “I feel like this is the end of a very personal journey I’ve taken with Bartholomew. I was there at the beginning, cheering him on as he slipped around in his own filth, trying to stand on those hilarious legs of his. He stole our hearts.”
Mr Bunsenby also used the announcement to hit back at those who have accused him of exploiting a vulnerable young man.
“Bartholomew was a very canny fellow, who had the good sense to surround himself with experts like me, whose only desire was to protect his interests. He frequently acknowledged his own lack of discernable talent, education or breeding. Despite these lowly beginnings, he died in his own cage, with a good supply of straw – if anything, he exploited me, the wily fellow!”
The news follows several weeks of intense public concern and compassion, which manifested itself in the form of large crowds, gathering to watch Bartholomew gasp and grimace on a specially constructed platform in Trafalgar Square.
Among those anxious to pay their final respects to Bartholomew was Elspeth Chrome, a mother of nine from Chipping Sodbury.
“He’s been so very brave, letting everybody share his final, agonising moments,” she said. “It must be so terribly hard for him – almost as hard as it is for us. So we have to keep watching. He can’t be brave if nobody’s watching.”
Vesuvius Bloom, another admirer, added: “I feel like this is the end of a very personal journey I’ve taken with Bartholomew. I was there at the beginning, cheering him on as he slipped around in his own filth, trying to stand on those hilarious legs of his. He stole our hearts.”
Mr Bunsenby also used the announcement to hit back at those who have accused him of exploiting a vulnerable young man.
“Bartholomew was a very canny fellow, who had the good sense to surround himself with experts like me, whose only desire was to protect his interests. He frequently acknowledged his own lack of discernable talent, education or breeding. Despite these lowly beginnings, he died in his own cage, with a good supply of straw – if anything, he exploited me, the wily fellow!”
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