"CLAKRSON FOR PM - LOL!!!", says report

The UK Government’s controversial Food Strategy document has been opened up to users of the BBC’s ‘Have Your Say’ message board, in a move described by the Home Office as a “bold and forward-thinking experiment in direct democracy”.

Under the initiative, users of the internet forum are being given the opportunity to edit the document, to reflect the views of “ordinary people”, before it is finalised later this year.

Among the first round of changes is a new concluding paragraph in the section titled ‘Public spaces for sustainable communities’. As well as a pledge that more paved public spaces will be turned over to community allotment projects, the document now expresses its concern over “kids cycling around the cul-de-sac like maniacs. There’s bound to be a fatality and whose fault will that be? The parents, that’s who.”

In another section, “Food equality for social justice”, the report now asks “Why is everybody too afraid of the PC-brigade to say the obvious? ASDA selling a metric tonne of BBQ meat for £4 isn’t the problem here – it’s immigration. A programme of mandatory sterilisation for everyone I don’t know would be much cheaper and more effective.”

A raft of much smaller amendments are now scattered through the report, many of which simply add “Mr Broon claims” before assertions of fact. There has also been a 3000% increase in the use of exclamation marks, as well as the appearance of a crudely rendered cock and balls, over a graph showing the effect of global warming on domestic wheat yields.