What a barrel of monkeys

It's been a while, but, as I'd mentioned, a baby happened a couple of months ago, so I've been unable to work up a proper head of steam (due to a combination of unaccountable optimism, extreme fatigue and guilt about wasting my free time blogging. The novelty has now worn off).

What have I missed? Fuck-loads, apparently.

• The US and Russia decided to get rid of about half their nuclear warheads, having found new and exciting ways to hasten the inevitable apocalypse. But what are they doing with them now? Keep an eye on eBay.
  
• The UK got Pork Fever! I've read animal farm. I know how this ends.
• Half of El-Gordo's cabinet left, after it became clear they were getting thrashed by a party whose one concrete policy is to slash public spending without cutting taxes. I'm going to set up a party headed by angel-faced Aled Jones, which pledges only to piss on war heroes and steal their medals. I bet I win.
  
• Enough people voted BNP to make it worth setting aside a special island for them (not one of the nice ones though. What's that shit one off the Welsh coast? Anybody?)
• There was an election in Iran. Was it rigged? Twitter thinks so, and that's pretty much good enough.
• Camilla Parker-Bowles got dressed up in cammo and learned how to disarm landmines for charity. Did nobody else think that was a little odd?
• Stephen Fry was declared Lord High Priest of Thoughts, transcended his corporeal form and became entirely made of Internet.
• The whole MPs' expenses / second homes thing happened. Honestly - I'm quite glad I wasn't around for that. The pressure would have killed me. I'll just allude to it gently, from a safe distance.
  
• Michael Jackson was not CGI. Who knew?

Phew.