Not in the mood

The UK economy is in meltdown, thanks to massive regulatory failure and unchecked greed among consumers and the businesses which serve them. The crisis follows a decade of spiralling property prices and easy access to no-questions-asked credit, which created a self-fuelling cycle of growth.

When it was revealed late last year that almost every bank was lending money to anybody who asked for it, then disguising these debts as rock-solid and selling them on, the entire financial services industry promptly retired with a massive pension.

In a bid to re-start irresponsible lending, the Government has used taxpayers’ money to buy these toxic loans, as well as giving more free cash to the banks, in the hope that they’d lend it back to us, which they haven't.

None of this has worked and the only people who were in a position to avert the crisis have yet to decide exactly whose fault it was. However, this is understandable, as they are also tackling other pressing questions, including:

A) How much of a bonus is too much? And can I at least have a few million for the things which didn’t cripple the economy? Thanks.
B) Should the taxpayer cough up for a house for my parents/lover/nanny, or would it be more tactful to just take an extra £30k on my salary?
C) Why has nobody told my husband he can get his porn for free on bittorrent?

Happy April 1st, suckers.