Balls: "We're only as clever as our thickest thicky"

Following shocking reports that UK science pupils are unable to differentiate between a microscope and a telescope, the Government has announced a campaign to raise standards across the board, by judging all sections of society by their least worthwhile member.

From today, it will be assumed that all women smoke while pregnant and are unable to drive, that men are rapists who are incapable of wiping their bottoms properly and all ethnic minorities smell weird and want to blow us up.

Sally Brittle, a sixth-form student at Greenfields School in High Wickham, said: “I put months of round-the-clock study into my GCSEs, including my A-star in physics. But I guess if Luke Clarke in 11C has spent the past two years melting biros over a Bunsen burner, my qualifications are basically worthless.”

Ed Balls, Secretary of State for children, schools and families, commented: “Under the new rules, I’m a corrupt, incompetent, alcoholic, greedy sex pest. Am I happy about it? No. But we live in a meritocracy. I looked that up in a dictionary, and this is what that means.”